(To Jason Natas, after Natas introduced himself as the Tooth Fairy) "Well ain't that a shame, coulda swore ya were the fuckin' Easter Bunny."
Wade Elliott
ReVolution 209
28 Oct 2009 / Quicken Loans Arena, Cleveland, Ohio (seats 21,200)
Next in Line
Nick: It's way too early for this.
Richard: It's always a great time for the Champz!
Nick: He's only got one title now.
"Right Next Door to Hell" by Guns N' Roses
Vince Howard: Jasssssooon...
Richard: He's also the champion of my heart.
Nick: ...
Vince Howard: SNOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Nick: This crowd sure isn't making any secret of their feelings for our esteemed champion. Folks, if you missed it, you missed a very special night, and unfortunately, when that night ended, so did the career of young Kaiser Vashaun.
Richard: Vashaun's fine. I hear he's The Next In Line at the welfare office.
Nick: Oh for the love of...
The champion emerges from backstage, sparking even more boo birds to sing their song. He offers them a pose and a flex and a wicked grin, looking for all the world like a man being cheered. He swaggers toward the ring, PRIME's Universal Championship, the most coveted prize in combat sports, shining on his shoulder, where it's been for well over two hundred days now.
Nick: Jason Snow is a couple of weeks removed from the fight of his life folks, and the evidence is still pretty plain.
Indeed, the grotesque cut on Snow's hairline is colored purple and black and there are a number of stitches. As he steps into the ring and strikes another pose, we get a nice close up.
Nick: That's not Halloween makeup folks. That was a little something for Snow to remember Kaiser Vashaun by.
Snow waits for the crowd to quiet down. It takes some time. He pulls his championship down off his shoulder and straps it around his waist.
Snow: Wenches and plebeians, if you would please direct your attention to the big screen. I think it would be appropriate for us to take a moment to remember the life and career of Kaiser Vashaun...
The lights dim, and all around the audience groans.
Nick: I've got a bad feeling about this...
Snow: Kaiser Vashaun... this was your life...
The screen is black and then bold white numbers fade in: 1982. A voice that sounds ridiculously like Jason Snow trying to disguise his voice begins to narrate.
Narrator: Kaiser Vashaun was born on March 1, 1982. He was a vibrant infant, unnaturally large and incredibly strong, with a lust for life and a bit of a mischievous side, as clearly displayed here, in the earliest known photo of him.
Nick: ... I can't believe this. I really... really... can't believe this.
Narrator: As he grew, it was obvious that little Kaiser had natural athletic ability. He would obviously never reach the dizzying heights of Jason Snow, but neither will anyone else. Ever. Vashaun's favorite childhood pastime, like many other youths, was baseball.
Narrator: His teen years were awkward.
Nick: ...I can't believe the level of disrespect. Newsflash, Snow: You won the match. It's over. There's just no reason to be doing this.
Richard: Pipe down.
Narrator: Because of a dangerously low IQ, Vashaun struggled through high school. He was also unpopular, thanks to frequent lice infestations and the overwhelming body odor that remains his greeting card to this day. He did, however, graduate high school, as seen here in his senior year yearbook photo.
Narrator: And despite being voted most likely to remain a virgin until he saved up enough money for a prostitute, Kaiser did manage to find a prom date - one Lindsay Troy. Here they are together.
Narrator: We hear she's a slut.
Nick: Someone needs to stop this. Someone in the back has to cut this feed. This is the most disrespectful thing I've ever seen. Kaiser Vashaun gave everything he had to this company. He's arguably the greatest Intense champion of all time. Someone needs to...
"Sound of Madness"
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Nick: WAIT A MINUTE! WAIT A MINUTE! THAT'S KAISER VASHAUN'S MUSIC!
Richard: No! His career is over! Snow ended it at the Great American Nightmare!
Nick: Whether he's employed by the company or not, SOMEONE needs to step in there and shut Jason Snow up! The man's ego is just out of control!
As the lights rise, Snow crouches low and prepares for a fight. And then THIS wanders out from the back:
Nick: Oh for the love of...
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Richard: IT'S KAISER VASHAUN!!
In the ring, Snow straightens his posture and smiles a satisfied smile. The man in the gorilla suit makes quite a show of scratching himself and beating his chest.
Snow: Now Vashaun, I know you're upset right now, but you really shouldn't be here. You're risking losing your place as the Next in Line at the welfare office.
Richard: That was my joke!
Nick: This is disgusting. Just a disgusting display of disrespect by a disgusting champion.
Richard: Hey, you can complain all you want, but I don't see YOU trying to take that title off him. Because you can't. And neither can anyone else. That man's the longest reigning Universal champion in PRIME's history for a REASON, Nick.
The gorilla costume hangs its head low in shame, and begins heading back toward the curtain. When he's gone, it's just Snow, where he always is, in the middle of the ring with his title. Alone.
Snow: You see, plebes, it's like this. When Tyler Rayne stood in my way, you all cheered and screamed until I took him down. When Chandler Tsonda was using my title for some kind of homosexual accessory, I took it from him. But all of that was just business. All of that was just what I do because I was damn well born to do it. Excellence is all I know. But Vashaun?
Pause.
Snow: With Vashaun, it was personal. Kaiser Vashaun took my 5-Star title, so I took his God damn career! I took his everything! And I did it because the Next in Line is just that, the NEXT in line. He's not Greatness. He's not supremacy. He's a God damn ape that happens to be big and strong, but it's not like there aren't a lot of those plebes running around.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Snow: And now the only question is "Who's Next?" Who's the NEW Next in Line? Who wants to step up and take their shot at besting the best, at toppling Greatness, at taking this...
Rips his title off and holds it high above his head.
Snow: The top prize in our sport. The proof beyond all proof that I'm everything I've always said I am, and I damn well might be more.
The smirk returns to his face.
Snow: I'm not wasting another second of my time on you.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
"Right Next Door to Hell" by Guns N' Roses
A Ghoulish and Spooky Opening
Blaine Blair stands in front of the entire PRIME roster who are all in very extravagant Halloween get ups. Lisa Tyler is off to the side in a director's chair sipping away on a double tall latte.
Blaine Blair: I know there is some high tension amongst a lot of you.
Christian Daniels slides a finger across his throat and points across the room at Elise Ares. Kazys steps in front of his tag team partner and motions for The Biker to bring it. Hessian and Shakur exchange evil glares with one another while Tyler Nelson shifts his eyes around the room, giving everybody an untrustworthy look. Jason Snow cradles the Universal Championship like a lost child while Tony Gamble shadowboxes with his army of Oompa Loompas. Chainz scans Lisa Tyler from head to toe and ignores the glances when his hand reaches his crotch. The vertical motion is enough to make those superstars around him slowly back away.
Blaine Blair: But if we are able to do this right, we'll only have to do it once.
The pitter patter of feet walking down the parking garage gets Blaine's attention. He looks out the door and turns around, hands swinging wildly in multiple directions.
Blaine Blair: TO YOUR PLACES!
The superstars scatter. Chainz dares Lisa Tyler to smell his hand, but the Vice President of Talent Relations smacks The Monster's hand away. Blair gives Chainz an evil glare, instructing him with a stern finger point toward the 'Exit' door.
Two curious children in decorative costumes reach the base of the parking garage and are intrigued by the glowing neon sign hanging above the wrestler's entrance. Miley Cyrus and Stewie Griffin (like I know what the hell teenage kids are into these days) exchange a glance and move toward the door. They've heard this is the most frightening place place in the neighborhood, one that will truly scare the living daylights out of you. Stewie adjusts his unusually large football head while someone in the distance shouts "HEY ARNOLD". Stewie turns around and shakes his fist. Miley smacks him on the shoulder and the duo make their way up to the damp welcome mat. Both look down, recoiling when their feet get wet with crimson.
Miley: Ewwww. That's gross.
Stewie: Woman, stop worrying...Probably just Kool-Aid or whatever the devil it is these wrestlers use for fake blood.
Miley steps around the Welcome Mat and rings the doorbell. Both kids panic when a pre-recorded Hessian roar blasts through the parking lot. A few car alarms go off in the distance and the kids hug one another for comfort.
The 'Exit' door slowly creeks open. Underneath a cloud of darkness, a six foot four figure emerges and stands over the kids. He looks down at Miley with eager eyes and over at Stewie with a chuckle. Both kids are unsure how to react, considering this man is much bigger than both of them put together. He also appears to be straight out of a horror movie.
Michael Sloan always knew he'd make it big some day.
Chainz: Trick or treat, kids. My, what...actually [Sloan points to Stewie] that's a pretty fucking awful costume. What are you supposed to be?
Stewie: Stewart Gilligan Griffin [The kid responds with his own fingerpoint] AND I SHALL RULE THE WORLD.
Chainz: (deadpan) Wonderful. And who are you supposed to be, cutie?
Stewie looks over at Miley, who is noticeably blushing even through the makeup, and then back at Chainz.
Chainz: Stewart...Why don't you uh, head inside the PRIME Haunted House and see all the spooky shit we have inside.
Stewie: I shall!
Stewie bravely trots ahead while Michael cozies up to Miley.
Chainz: You had enough candy for tonight, darlin?
Miley shakes her head "No".
Chainz: I got some candy you could have.
Miley: Is it good?
Chainz: It's very good. A giant lollipop. Extremely juicy...And -
The Monster crouches down.
Chainz: If you suck it just right, you get a big creamy filling. You wanna see it?
Miley nods. Michael turns around and goes to unzip his pants when a hand from the side smacks him and reels him back in. Michael turns and mouths something. The distinct voice of Lisa Tyler replies, "This is going on television, you pedophile!" Michael slings his arms out and shakes his head. He leans back down to Miley.
Chainz: ...Maybe afterwards, if you are a good girl...Now run along and join what's his name.
Miley scampers past Chainz, who walks back inside and argues with Lisa Tyler. Stewie has forged ahead and moves into the PRIME Haunted House. Smoke funnels from behind all the closed doors, confusing Stewie and forcing him to wave his arms back and forth to see three inches in front of his face.
A figure stalks ahead in a straight line, eye patch covering an injury. His singlet is distinctive and his bald head shines off the plethora of silver objects decorating the room. Stewie backpedals a step and avoids the walking line of The Pariah of PRIME, Brandon Youngblood. His skin looks exceedingly pale, a tad green, and comatose arms never fall below chest level. He smashes through a window leading into the employee break lounge where two janitors leap from their chairs in fright. Youngblood tilts his head in a methodical manner toward the one looking to escape out the side door.
Brandon Youngblood: SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPLEX!
The monotone sends chills up the employees spine and he fumbles with the knob, unable to pour through the door and out into the hallway. Youngblood springs from his trance and locks the employee underneath the arms, shifting a leg around so escape is improbable. The Pariah hoists the employee backwards, merciless in his approach. Splinters of wood decorate the black and white tiles of the break room. The employee's head bounces off the cement like a basketball and a pool of blood rushes from his lifeless body.
Youngblood stands at attention and plows through the door with furious intensity.
Brandon Youngblood: SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPLEX!
Miley shrieks like a teenage girl should when seeing a zombie Brandon Youngblood. Stewie trots across the tiles and encounters the next occupant of the haunted house.
The corpse of Devin Shakur hanging from a noose.
Stewie Griffin: WHAT THE DEUCE?
Stewie takes a step back and, with mouth ajar, examines the corpse of The Black Plague. Shakur's intestines line the floor while spaghetti string black hair covers his half eaten face. Upon further review, Shakur's arms have been shredded by razor blades and a sign hangs over his head, "Don't Let Emo Happen to You". Stewie is horrified and stumbles back into a large wooden object.
A coffin. Stewie throws up his hands in a defensive manner, prepared to fight until the bitter end. He knew it wasn't a good idea to enter this place and now he's enduring the repercussions.
The door springs open on command and cloaked in black and red garb with fang teeth is the Universal Champion, Jason 'Vampir Nosferatu' Snow.
Jason Snow: BLEH, PLEBE! WHO DARES DISTURB MY ETERNAL BEAUTY SLEEP?
With an evil glare, perhaps breaking character a tad, Snow sardonically eyes Stewie and Miley. He points a cold and bony finger in her direction.
Jason Snow: DO NOT STARE AT THE FORBIDDEN BODY, WENCH! THE MERE SIGHT OF ME HAS BEEN KNOWN TO BITE NECKS AND CAUSE ORGASMS!
Elise 'Elvira' Ares belly dances across the haunted house in her own trance. She still looks extremely sassy.
Elise Ares: It's true, kids...It's very, very true.
Stewie: LET'S GET THE BLOODY HELL OUT OF HERE!
Stewie and Miley bolt down the hall and look for the Exit sign. Unfortunately, an imposing and Herculean figure attached to meat hooks with his head hung low blocks their path.
By his almost fetish like obsession with using meathooks as weaponry, there is only one guess as to who is stuck in this uncomfortable position.
His head rises up and both kids see his eyes bloodshot red and worms crawling all over his face.
Hessian: GRAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Miley almost passes out but Stewie manages to catch her at the last second. The kids are trapped with absolutely no where to go now. Hessian isn't one of those one hit wonders who only comes to life when feet hit pressure sensors, the man is still screaming. Seeking shelter, the kids rush back toward the entrance, hoping that an uncostumed Michael Sloan will assist them in exiting the building.
Instead, they get an army of midgets in a straight line, dressed to the nines in pinstripe suits wearing green face paint. They each brandish legitimate steel blades.
The 5 Star Champion tap dances in front of his crew and guides them like an orchestra leader.
Tony Gamble: 1...2...A you know what to do.
"Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me
What do you get when you disobey the rules
Thinking you are cool like unabashed tools
You could have gone trick or treat
Now you'll be lucky to leave on your feet.
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no mercy
Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
Greed has gotten the better of you
Now you'll be sliced from ear to ear
Living in pure happiness too
Like the Oompa
Oompa Loompa doompadee do."
Stewie and Miley brush past the knife wielding Oompa Loompas and pound through the doors, scampering as fast as possible across the concrete and into the safety of the night.
Without warning, a foul smelling individual wearing six year old clothing and a two week old shadow jumps from behind a car and extends a hand.
Tyler Nelson: GIVE ME MONEY!
Stewie/Miley: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Stewie and Miley shove Nelson to the ground and run up the parking ramp, out of sight.
Lisa Tyler and Blaine Blair consider it a job well done. Hessian unhooks himself from the perch and opens a side door.
Hessian: Great job, Nelson, you can take off the costume now. The skit is over.
The Greediest Player in the Game turns to his massive acquaintance.
Tyler Nelson: What skit? I NEED MONEYYYYYYYYY!
Ego vs. Swagger
The opening to "Eyesore" by Janus rocks the building and PRIME's newest tag team comes through the curtains led by the beautiful Leticia Mendoza.
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our guests at this time... CHANGE IN SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAADES!
Leticia is centre stage. On her left, pointing out to the crowd is The Ego himself. Nitz is wearing his leather jacket and the brand new Change of Spades T-shirt on sale now on the PRIME website. To Leticia's right stands PRIME's newest monster, The Tortured Artist, Vance Raymes. He stands with his arms crossed and his sleeveless hoodie covering most of his head. After a moment of posing, they make their way down the ramp.
Nick: Well folks we have a jam packed show for you all tonight and starting things off immediately it looks like we're going to be hearing from Nitz Donnelly and company as the Spades make their way to the ring.
Richard: You know that when "TEH DONNELLY~!" gets the microphone there is trouble brewing.
Nitz rolls under the ropes and holds the ropes open for Leticia to enter the ring. Vance meanwhile climbs onto the apron from the near side and enters the ring, coming to stand near his friends. The music fades from the sound system as Vince Howard hands a mic to Donnelly.
Nitz: It's been too long since I took centre stage on the top wrestling show in the business. I MISSED REVOLUTION!!!
A pop from all the ticket holders.
Nitz: That's right, I missed being here, flying off this damn turnbuckle and crushing someone under the weight of my awesome week after week. Almost two damn years go by and I'm sure many people have forgotten who I am. But I know that there are a bunch of mother fuckers out there who remember exactly who I am so I implore you, get on your feet and remind everyone just who the fuck is spittin' at you right now!
Nitz holds the mic out as a great portion of the crowd begins to chant.
Crowd: DONN-EL-LY! DONN-EL-LY! DONN-EL-LY! DONN-EL-LY!
Nitz: You bet your ass! Now I also hear some people out there who don't seem to care for me and I can see that. I mean I was a heartless bastard the last time I was here. That hasn't changed at all but what has changed is the meaning of why I'm in PRIME. Last time I was here, I said this place was a dry, festering shit hole with no talent. Well now, I recognize that PRIME is full of superstars and it's my duty to make this show the best it possibly can by flyin' and stylin' like only I can do. At the same time, realize you've all been bored with the tag team scene here for quite sometime and now we need to put a stop to it. No more will you see the same old tag teams. You'll see Change In Spades in the ring very soon, beginning with the Jewel in the Crown tournament. You hear that CLEVELAND?!
Crowd: PRIME THAT SHIT! PRIME THAT SHIT! PRIME THAT SHIT!
Nitz: Oh how I missed hearing those words!
The crowd keeps up the chant for another moment or so.
Nitz: Ok guys, you'd better stop creamin' your pants for a moment so I can explain. We were approached about the JITC immediately after we left the stage at The Nightmare and one spot was remaining in the tournament. So Vance and I flipped a coin, drank a bunch of Jack Daniels, stared at bikinis on the beach in Venice, and partied all night before deciding to call up Captain Big Tits and inform her that yours truly would be the man taking over the competition this year!
Another pop from the Cleveland crowd at the news.
Richard: TEH DONNELLY~!
Nick: You know, even though it's been awhile, that is already getting on my nerves.
Nitz: Oh yeah, but don't get discouraged people. On top of crowing myself MVP of the JITC, Big Van and I will have plenty of time to clean up the tag division and emerge as your new champions in a very short time I assure you. The stock of this division has increased two fold just with our arrival. So no more Redeemed... no more Wolves... no more...
And almost on cue...
HOOOOWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLL...
The sound of "Beast And The Harlot" by Avenged Sevenfold immediately sends the capacity crowd into a chorus of jeers. The Spades introduction is short lived.
Nick: And here come the party crashers, your former PRIME Tag Team Champions.
Richard: They were robbed!
Nick: Elise was cleanly pinned in the middle of the ring. How were they robbed?
Richard: Elise was telling me backstage she has narcolepsy.
Nick: Narcolepsy... you have to be kidding me.
Richard: I'm not, and it's nothing to laugh about. It's a very serious matter. If it wasn't for Elise Ares having a very serious medical condition that was exploited by The Redeemed, they'd still be our tag team champions!
Nick: Good grief.
The Swaggeriffic One leads the way out to the stage area as Change In Spades look on in disbelief as their ReVolution debut is ruined by The Wolves of Slaughter. Kazys Jankauskas towers over his mouthy yet petite tag team partner. Holding a microphone in her hand, Elise looks around at the boos from the crowd in utter disbelief.
Elise: Cut our music.
The music ends on cue, raising the noise of the boos from the crowd from annoying to mind-numbing. Effortlessly, Elise seems to not even notice as Kazys scowls around the arena.
Elise: Change In Spades? It's a cute name but you see... it's missing something. It's empty. As a matter of fact it's not even true.
The Swaggeriffic One smirks as the crowd boos.
Elise: I know you've been gone for a while, but I thought I'd remind you how things work around here... so to speak. You see... the stock of the tag team division can't increase anymore because we're already here. If you want Change In Spades you're looking at it. We debuted a few months back and we've had the tag team division by the throat ever since. We came. We saw. We conquered. You're looking at tag team greatness, and I think you need to pay your respects.
Further booing continues and Nitz Donnelly just shakes his head. He walks over to this partner Vance Raymes and pats him on the shoulder. He looks over at Leticia standing beside him.
Nitz: I... I'm sorry, you guys might need to help me out. I must be a little rusty still or it's just that I'm not the same guy I used to be. I have no idea how to respond to that cause it's been three fuckin' years since I read, "Being a Wrestling Heel for Dummies"!
The confident swagger in his step returns and he smirks at the intruders. Flash bulbs pop almost instantly.
Nitz: Look dip shit, I was talking like that back in the indies a few years ago. That was beyond lame and it's things like that that we're here to abolish. Let's face it, these people are bored of you being a walking, talking vag and I think it's time you stop flappin' your cunt lips and listen up. WE'RE the new deal here, an improved Wolves of Slaughter if you will. We got my man Van Ray...
Pop from the crowd at the mention of the Tortured Artist. He stands stoic as ever, his massive arms folded across his hulking frame.
Nitz: Who is basically bigger, badder and better than Jerky standing beside you. My good friend Leticia here is actually a woman and the jury seems to be out on you as of yet. I mean look at you... and look at Letty.
Some wolf whistles(no pun intended) from the crowd follow for Leticia Mendoza as she raises her arms and sways her hips.
Nitz: And then there is myself. I mean besides being a fuckin' asshole that these people love...
He holds the microphone out to catch the cheers of the capacity audience.
Nitz: I'm just the fuckin' man. I may be young and still have some growing up to do, but I could wrestle circles around both of your dull asses. So I'll tell you what, if the rumors are true and you really DO have a set between your legs, come on up in this ring so I can shove my boot so far up your ass you'll taste my sport socks. If not, then I guess you and that ventriloquists dummy of yours really aren't Wolves, but big pussies instead.
The crowd roars, as Nitz moves and holds the ropes open for the Wolves of Slaughter. Kazys Jankauskas starting making his way down to the ring, letting a roar escape from the crowd as Elise Ares runs along side of him to keep up before getting in front of him and blocking his path. Holding out her hands she stops him, much to the chagrin of the crowd.
Elise: You know... the difference between us and them Kaz, is that we don't have to come down here and talk out of our asses to be the pride of the tag team division. You're looking at the people who finished #1 and #2 at Revolution 200, featuring the entire roster of this place. We wrestled the other night, and we don't have a damn thing to prove to you.
The crowd boos as Kazys glares down at the ring, obviously still wanting a piece of Change In Spades.
Elise: We don't have to come down and explain who we are, or compare ourselves to other people because the fact of the matter is... there is no comparison to The Wolves Of Slaughter. I don't need to slap around that whore of yours to prove I'm the Alpha Female of PRIME. I just am.
Jeers come rain down even harder from all around Elise Ares.
Elise: Now if you could please kindly leave my ring, and take your skank with you... I'm evoking my executive privilege as a well-known, high paid, and respected member of this locker room to use this time to air my grievances with that other worthless bitch Lisa Tyler. So move along. Get out of here. It's time to let the big boys and girls play.
Nitz gets off the rope he was holding open and holds a small conference with his Change in Spades members. Leticia lightly slaps his cheek and The Ego shakes his head.
Nitz: Whew, ok now that I'm awake again... I really did hear what you said. Truly I did. And I have to agree, you are a skank and a worthless bitch with no respect in the locker room. I also heard something about high paid and I have to say I wouldn't pay a quarter for a piece of that.
Another pop. Vance Raymes moves Donnelly's mic to this lips.
Vance: Ummm, that's not exactly what she said Nick.
Nitz: It wasn't? Damnit...
He puts his head in his hand and shakes it. Vance meanwhile returns to his statuesque like pose.
Nitz: Wellllllll it's what we're all thinking anyways. So I'll tell you what, if you want to use this ring and this time to air some concerns, be my guest. But just for the record, if something was to happen during your first round match to cause you to drop the ball and not advance in the JITC, maybe next time you'll learn to shut your smelly shit hole and not talk your trash. It could be either one of us... myself, Van Ray or even Leticia punching your teeth down your throat. Just hope you have eyes in the back of your head bitch.
Change In Spades separates and goes to the ropes, leaving room for the Wolves to enter the ring.
Elise snarls, obviously contemplating giving Change In Spades a fight for their life.. but wavers as she takes a step forward. Without a word through she backs up two steps, listening to the boos of the crowd.
Elise: Apparently, you don't know who in the hell I am. My name is Elise Ares, and I hang with the toughest sons of bitches in this business. You mess with me, they end your career. Do you understand that?
The jeers erupt as Elise continues on.
Elise: So don't you even think about sticking your nose in my business, it'll be the biggest mistake of your lives. But since obviously you two don't have any respect for greatness, I'll deal with Lisa Tyler on my own. I'm a busy woman you see, I don't have time to stand down here and listen to you and your weak smack talk. You can stay here and run your mouth, I'm going to go get my tag team titles back... but next time...
Kaz jerks the microphone out of Elise's hand.
Kaz: You're dead!
The Iron Wolf slams the microphone onto the ground as The Wolves Of Slaughter head back to the backstage area. Nitz purses his lips and watches as they disappear behind the curtain.
Nitz: Clearly...
He pauses and nods to his teammates.
Nitz: She's on the rag.
One more trademark smirk for the people in attendance.
Nitz: Change In Spades, clearly they can't handle it, but you people sure can! So let's tear this fuckin' place down together for many shows to come. Change isn't preventable, it's inevitable!
Eyesore starts up again as Nitz climbs the ropes and raises his arms to the audience. Vance raises one arm slowly to the opposite side and Leticia remains her sexy, yet dangerous self, a deadly combination.
Nick: You know, every time I see Donnelly in the ring and on the mic, I get worried that our show will be canceled by the FCC.
Richard: I never thought I'd say it, but I found myself hating Nitz Donnelly a little. How could he talk that way to Elise?
Nick: It's cause he doesn't give a damn! And it could earn him trouble down the line. Nonetheless, things are heating up between Change In Spades and The Wolves of Slaughter and ReVolution is just heating up! Round one of the JITC begins tonight!
Richard: Can't wait.
Jewel in the Crown Introduction EXTRAVAGANZA
Richard: Oh, lovely. We get to see a bunch of unmotivated roster individuals phoning it in through Round 1 in hopes of making it to the next round.
Nick: That's a pretty bleak way of looking at things, Richard.
Richard: Well, I'm a pretty realistic douchebag. Plus, after that opening we had earlier tonight, I don't think anything I say is going to top it.
Nick: You are right about that. We've heard rumblings about the field and who could be in it-
Richard: I've got something to say about some punks who feel the need to hide their identity for this tournament.
Nick: Oh boy, this will be an Emmy award winning moment.
Richard: I've heard there are about four or five of you with intentions of hiding yourselves. What's the matter? You scared people are going to know that you suck hard anyway and you just want to hold the surprise in until you walk through the curtain? You people make me sick to my stomach.
Nick: Let me explain what that was folks, Richard doesn't like the coffee they served this week.
Richard: It tastes like balls, Nick. I feel like I'm on the set of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia or a party at Garbage Bag Johnny's house.
Nick: Lovely.
Emerging from behind the black curtain is the one and only Lisa Tyler in a purple blazer and dress pants. Her heels clank against the steel stage and the microphone immediately rises to her lips. Some men in the audience feel their pants stretch a few inches.
Lisa Tyler: Welcome, PRIME fans, to the seventh annual Jewel in the Crown tournament.
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Lisa Tyler: Twenty four warriors have put their names into the hat to vie for a chance at facing our Universal Champion in the Main Event of Culture Shock 2010. The rules for the tournament are simple, albeit a modification from what was held last year. There will be no second chances for anybody to compete in the tournament and no consolation prizes, although all competitors are free to stick around throughout the arc and apply for membership onto the roster. Over the next three ReVolutions, four singles matches will be held on each show to determine the twelve second round competitors.
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Lisa Tyler: Everybody on the roster has been encouraged to enter, although a few individuals have decided to exempt themselves from the tournament: Tag Team Champions The Redeemed-
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick: Folks not happy about that.
Richard: The less we see of those grasshoppers, the better. They robbed the Wolves at GAN.
Lisa Tyler: Of course, Universal Champion Jason Snow.
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Nick: So we aren't going to have a repeat winner from last year.
Richard: Snow doesn't need another tournament to prove his greatness.
Lisa Tyler: Tyler Nelson whined like a little baby at the thought of being placed in this tournament, so I stuck a pacifier in his mouth and granted him exclusion.
Richard: OH COME ON!
Lisa Tyler: And the tag team of Devin Shakur and Christian Daniels.
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Richard: Why are they cheering that? He could just cash in the Ticket and buy a Universal Championship shot.
Nick: If we see Shakur at all for this arc. He took a pretty massive beating at the hands of Hessian and hasn't been seen in the building yet.
Richard: I have an inkling he'll show up.
Lisa Tyler: So with that being said, let me introduce you to the twenty four competitors who will be taking on the challenge of becoming the 2009 Jewel in the Crown!
The PRIME*View flashes all twenty four names in three neat rows of eight.
Tony Gamble
Chainz
Jeb Stewart
Troy Douglas
Adam Garcia
Hessian
Benjamin Johnson
Clyde Walkins
Jay Phoenix
Hoyt Williams
Brandon Youngblood
Elise Ares
Kazys Jankauskas
Roque de la Red
Johnny Raindance
The Illustrious Face Eater
Jenny Piccolo
Mystery Entrant II
Mystery Entrant III
Mystery Entrant I
Unknown # 7
Diego Foster
Nitz Donnelly
Jacob McKail
Nick: Some massive names in that lineup, Richard. Jacob McKail, Illustrious Face-Eater-
Richard: Who in the hell is Roque de la Red?
Nick: I guess we'll find out when he appears.
Richard: Is that guy really named Johnny Raindance?
Nick: Yes, Richard, he is.
Richard: AND WHY ARE THERE THREE MYSTERY ENTRANTS? UGH!
Nick: I'm sure they are quality talents, Richard.
Richard: Quality hairs on my balls would be more appropriate.
Nick: You and balls, what is it with you and balls?
Richard: First off, I'm not gay, I'm heterosexual.
Nick: Thank you, Mike Piazza.
Lisa Tyler interrupts the announcers and the crowd, still panning through the list and discussing the names amongst themselves.
Lisa Tyler: Eight of those individuals will compete tonight. There is no set match order and the superstars have not been notified as to who their opponents are. At the conclusion of the final first round match on ReVolution 211, I will reveal the bracket structures and information on what will happen in the later rounds of the tournament. Until then, expect some quality PRIME wrestling. The first match is scheduled to take place...Right now.
The Boss walks through the curtain and leaves the crowd buzzing with anticipation.
Nick: Alright, here we go, ladies and gentlemen. The start of Jewel in the Crown 2009!
Richard: It's not an official start without kazoos and streamers.
MATCH ONE
Richard: (unable to hear himself) I can't hear myself over these dickheads.
Nick: While it's not |that| loud in the Quicken Loans Arena, I agree with this idiot -- I can't imagine any PRIME watcher who is not brimming with anticipation for the inaugural match of the 2009 Jewel in the Crown tournament!
Richard: Exactly, Nick. No matter what other matchup comes after this, the first match is the single most anticipated match because we've got twenty-four of the world's best wrestlers competing in this tournament and it could be ANY of them walking out from the back! We could get a match of the year to start the show!
Nick: And production is telling me that they're ready to send out the first participant... let's see who it is!
The ring announcer begins in the ring by saying--
Vince Howard: Ladies and gentlemen, and viewers around the world, the following match is the first contest in the 2009 Jewel in the Crown tournament!
As Richard and Nick quiet down for a moment, the fans continue their constant cheers. Their enthusiasm is palpable, and remains constant throughout the temporary dead air from the television production. The cameras take a moment to record the fans as they wave signs such as "Hessian will eat your bones!" and "I came, I saw, I Redeemed!" and even "All the little girls with the crimson lips go, Tsonda Rocks, Tsonda Rocks!" as a nod to both their favorite PRIME wrestler of all time as well as the theme from the Drew Carey Show.
After only eleven seconds, an eternity of silence in television circles, the crowd hears the distinctive alto saxophone opening to "Turn The Page" by Bob Seger.
Vince Howard: Entering the ring first... from Austin, Texas, he weighs two hundred sixty-eight pounds -- Benjamin Johnson!
The cheering is low in volume, but respectable. After the initial opening, the sound director skips the original album production to 2:57 on the track.
Nick: I guess they played the long version of this song at Great American Nightmare?
Richard: Well they gotta keep it moving on TV, since the timeslot's not as big. But this is on Johnson for still having that small-time mentality. When you're in a community center performing in front of crowds of a few dozen, certain songs sound better than when you get to the big leagues.
Nick: Well he is doing well for himself here in PRIME.
Richard: Except when Adam Garcia easily duped him. That's Neo Heel 101 and Johnson got schooled. This is his chance to step it up and prove he doesn't still belong in high school gyms.
The Lone Star approaches the ring, a few Texans on the aisle wearing Longhorns sweatshirts to prove their support. Benjamin Johnson slaps hands appreciatively, and climbs up the stairs into the ring after wiping the soles of his boots on the apron.
Nick: Benjamin Johnson is called The Everyman, he really wants to prove that a man who keeps it clean and simple can prevail. It's a great message for children and adults alike in this day and age.
Richard: Nobody likes a hero who tries to teach them something, Nick. That's why Captain America had to die. He was too preachy and not enough throwing supervillains into volcanoes.
Johnson's music fades out, and for a while there is silence once again. The Lone Star rolls his neck and arms, keeping the muscles loose and limber as he waits. The referee stays in a far corner, for now not having anything to do.
Nick: Now it can still be one of 23 other wrestlers to walk down that aisle. Who's it going to be? Will Benjamin Johnson be in a clean match or another dirty encounter?
Three seconds later, in answer to Nick's question, "My Gift to You" by Korn hits the speakers. Benjamin Johnson is momentarily taken aback.
Richard: THAT IS IT! Say goodbye to Ben Johnson, folks!
The crowd goes in a frenzy of boos, hurling many other insults (some not suitable for young viewers) as perhaps the most hated and evil wrestler in PRIME history emerges from the backstage area.
Vince Howard: And his opponent, from Hell's Kitchen, New York, weighing two hundred ninety-five pounds.... CHAINZ!
The menacing Chainz doesn't look pleased as he makes his way towards the ring. His lovely wife Tracy is walking by his side smiling like usual and waving to the fans.
Nick: Ben Johnson is looking as focused as ever.
Richard: You have to be focused when Chainz is staring you down on his way to the ring. That is the kind of opponent you can only try to survive. When Michael Sloan ever gets lost going somewhere, he just pulls off on the side of the road and scowls, and where he wants to go comes to HIM.
As the boos continue to rain down, Michael Sloan slides into the ring and paces back and forth waiting for the start of the match.
Nick: And look at The Everyman, he's already putting up his arms and the match hasn't even started yet!
Both men are ready to go as the bell rings. Chainz looks to make an immediate move to end the match early, charging in full steam, but Benjamin Johnson goes low with the Double Leg Takedown and throws the left hands to Chainz's jaw as hard and fast as he can.
Nick: And they're off in a big way!
Chainz catches Johnson's arm, and looks for a Triangle Choke from the mat, but Johnson is not afraid to push through before the legs are locked, and unloads with right hands while his waist is controlled in the body-scissors. The referee makes the five-count due to the closed fists, but Chainz is ahead of him anyway and catches the right arm as well. Throwing up his left leg, Sloan intends to push away at the chin and hyperextend both the trapped arms as well as The Lone Star's neck, but Johnson uses the opening to get his feet beneath him.
Nick: Johnson rolls over and has the leg trapped for a pin!
1...
2...
But Chainz releases The Everyman's arms to push him off. But Benjamin Johnson keeps hold of that left leg and stands up, looking to drop an elbow onto the knee. Chainz stops that by throwing his free leg at just the right moment and kicking Johnson in the side of the head.
Richard: He won't hear straight for a week after that!
The Lone Star rolls to the side and stands up, holding his head. Chainz gets back up and stalks over, grabbing the head and driving the point of the elbow at the base of the neck. Johnson goes down to a knee.
Nick: Chainz is so strong and so methodical. He doesn't swing wildly, he knows exactly where he wants to hit you and that's almost always enough.
Richard: Yeah, I don't care how big you are, you don't want to be trading blows with that guy. Even Chuck Norris fears him.
Chainz pulls in Ben Johnson for a vertical suplex, but Johnson blocks it -- twice. Chainz puts an end to that resistance with a knee to the gut, and takes Johnson up into the counter DDT from The Lone Star!
Nick: Benjamin Johnson came to fight!
Richard: Hasn't he been paying attention to anything Chainz says or does? It's better to just lay back and take it -- fighting only gets him more worked up!
1....
2...
Kickout!
Richard: See!
Benjamin Johnson keeps up on the attack with a falling fist-drop. Already being by the head, he drags Chainz up into a seat and goes for the grounded Abdominal Stretch with a claw hold on the ribs. Chainz has no patience for such a hold and uses his leg strength to push himself into a crouch off of the mat. Johnson answers by rolling over and scissoring the legs for a crucifix pinning hold.
Nick: Kickout at one.
Johnson keeps hold of the arm and as both men rise he attempts the Shortarm Clothesline.
Richard: Spinebuster! Johnson fed himself right into that one!
Chainz feels the spirit and vigor draining from Benjamin Johnson, and grabs the hair to pull the body off of the mat.
Nick: Johnson is deadweight. As strong as Chainz is, a 270 pound man is not easy to get off of the ground if his body isn't cooperating.
Richard: Not cooperating with Chainz is about the stupidest thing anyone could ever do.
After a few seconds, Chainz gets Benjamin Johnson just enough to his feet to control the head and pull the man in for the standing headscissors.
Nick: Spinebuster from Johnson, and the crowd is really getting behind the Everyman!
A 360 degree spin assisted by a little pulling momentum from Chainz puts Johnson on top of his opponent, lying over the man's midsection with a hand pressed down over the chest.
1!
2!
Triangle Choke!
Richard: Chainz didn't even bother kicking out!
With Tracy clapping approvingly for her husband, Benjamin Johnson is trapped in the submission hold. The referee asks him if he's going to tap out, but The Lone Star isn't ready to give up. There's no breaking the hold, however.
Richard: Johnson should go ahead and tap out, spare himself further injury.
But stubborn as the bulls that those Longhorns are modeled after, Benjamin instead chooses the insane gambit of pulling himself against the Triangle Choke, adding pressure to the hold, to get to the ropes. Chainz, of course, is not one to break the hold right away, and it takes the referee to a count of four before he releases.
Nick: Johnson rolls into the corner to limit attack options for Chainz and give himself the benefit of the ropes.
Chainz charges in, but Johnson somehow has the presence of mind to leave the corner and him with the Big Boot. Sloan ducks underneath, though, and Johnson turns right back around into the Chain Link!
Richard: That kick was so hard that it even took Chainz off his feet!
Throwing all of his weight behind the superkick, Michael Sloan lost his balance and fell to the mat, but he is quick to get to his feet into the Big Boot!
Nick: Benjamin Johnson will not stay down! And the crowd is firmly behind the Everyman, fighting for his future against one of the most feared wrestlers ever to step into the ring!
Chainz stumbles back into the corner, with Benjamin Johnson shaking out extreme cobwebs before surging in with the Stinger Splash that connects with another cheer from the crowd.
Richard: He's going up for a 10-punch? Who does that anymore?
Standing on the middle ropes, Johnson holds up his left fist for the cheering Quicken Loans arena, the cameras getting a good shot for the viewers at home, but doesn't take more than a second before throwing the punches one by one to the head of Michael Sloan with the crowd chanting along.
One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Seven! Eight! Nine! Ten!
And after the tenth punch, Johnson whirls the arms and hops down with the Bionic Elbow, crowning Sloan with another hard shot.
Richard: UPPERCUT!
Nick: The elbow only seems to awaken a further fire within Chainz, who drills The Lone Star hard in the chin with a big punch to the jaw!
Johnson's eyes roll into the back of his head, nearly out on his feet, but rather than end the suffering there, Chainz pulls the man into a close clinch and unloads knee after knee to his head. Only Richard is counting along this time.
Richard: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six!
Nick: The referee might have to stop this match, Benjamin Johnson stopped covering his head after the second knee!
Chainz gets to ten vicious knee strikes before pulling Johnson into a standing headscissors and lifting up for the powerbomb, modifying into a backbreaker across his own knee. This leaves The Everyman rolling off of his knee and into perfect position for another powerbomb, this time with a spin to throw Johnson into the turnbuckle. And even then it's not enough, with yet one more powerbomb running into the center of the ring! Chainz finally decides that he's satisfied, pinning Johnson by rolling the legs up to the head and pressing all of his weight into the forearm upon the bridge of the nose and across the face.
1!
2!
3!
Richard: What did I say? What. Did. I. Say?
Nick: Benjamin Johnson puts up the fight of his life against Chainz, but once again it seems that Chainz just cannot be stopped!
Richard: Anyone betting against this man in the tournament must really hate having money.
Commercial Break 1
No lavish decorations are set up in the massive catering area of Quicken Loans Arena. A few skeletons hang from doors and spider webs scatter the walls. Over in the far corner, Blaine Blair strikes up a conversation with Bernie Roberts while Elvis Nixon illustrates a story with his hands to Lisa Tyler. It's probably not the cleanest sounding story so our cameras won't attempt to pick up audio.
Dance music blares while some of the late superstars file into the party. Benjamin Johnson tips his hat to the figureheads, his boots crunching into the Welcome mat. He takes the toothpick out of his mouth and flicks it into the trashcan, reaching into his pocket and retrieving another one. The Lone Star walks in a rather awkward manner, a tribute to John Wayne. What else did you figure he would be?
Troy Douglas hangs around the punch bowl in a Donovan McNabb jersey. Some of the staff members have been ribbing him by offering him a puke bucket, but Douglas rolls his eyes and declines each time. Adam Garcia steps into the party with an entourage of people behind him and a guy hired to be Howard Cosell at his left. He floats like a butterfly and stings like a bee. Like he's the greatest of all time, Muhammad Ali.
Kaiser Vashaun, even though he was retired, has been invited to the party. He maneuvers through the door sideways and has a giant watermelon attached to his head. Funny thing is, the costume is a few sizes too small. He couldn't find one to fit his massive dome. The Next in Line is clearly uncomfortable but since he gets to hang out with his colleagues one final official time, he'll grin and bear it.
Entering from a side room with an eyepatch on is the one and only Brandon Youngblood Rome. He is wearing a suit, which is a nice change from his normal attire consisting of whatever arrogant douchebags sport. He has a bottle of Bombay Sapphire in one hand and a horde of Five Hour Energy drinks in the other.
Brandon Youngblood Rome: (in a high pitched voice) CLEVELANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD? (regular voice) WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT ISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP? Nice to have you all here, a tremendous Tuesday to you. Coming up on the program today we have...Wait, is that Donovan McNabb over by the punch bowl?
Douglas holds up his glass and acknowledges himself.
Brandon Youngblood: BOHICA, Douglas, until you step up and bring home some hardware, you earn the right to talk smack in the Jungle. BOHICA, that stands for bend over here it comes again.
Douglas extends a middle finger to The Pariah.
Brandon Youngblood: And...What do we have over here, Muhammad Freakin Ali. You should come on the show sometime.
A few catcalls from the stagehands signals the arrival of Elise Ares, strutting her way into the party with an incredibly sexy belly dancer outfit. Swiveling her hips in a way that even makes the son of Larry King remove his glasses, The Havana Harlot has the attention of everybody in the room and she knows it. She loves it.
But suddenly, the attention she wanted and craved comes crashing down when the next person steps through the door.
A collective sign of disbelief resonates from those around the punch bowl, especially Troy Douglas, "AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Elise turns around to register the commotion and can't believe her own eyes.
Tony Gamble strolls into the room wearing the same outfit Elise is.
They have an awkward staredown. Gamble points at her outfit and Elise points at his. Their mouths ajar simultaneously and then they go back to staring at their outfits.
Tony Gamble: Well...One of us is going to have to change.
Elise burrows her eyebrows and glares hard at The Grin. Gamble holds his arms out in a "Why it always gotta be me?" fashion.
Tony Gamble: Fine, unzip me.
Elise Ares: Not on your life.
Searching
Nick: We're back from that short commercial break folks, and let me tell you that party gets even crazier as the night goes on. We will continue to show snippets from the extravaganza.
Richard: People didn't find our get-ups as funny.
Nick: I wonder why.
Richard: I mean, we went as people nobody suspected we would.
Nick: Putting on a fat suit to play you was the most strenuous day of my life.
Richard: You know how long I had to hold the keg in just so I could go around and pretend I knew shit about wrestling? I mean, ugh.
Nick: More will develop from that party later this evening, although coming up now folks-
One of the backstage cameras hears a violent sound against the back door and the stage manager demands that the scene cut there. In front of the Exit door, a dent has been placed in the hard steel. The intensity of the sound only magnifies when another dent is placed from the outside. Another cut is asked of the cameraman, but no response is given through the walkie-talkie. It's either someone trying to get into the show, ala SCCW takeover, or an individual hellbent on causing destruction here this evening.
A third kick swings open the door and reveals the perturbed individuals, storming their way past the cameras and down the wrestler corridors.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick: The tempo just got raised a few decibels here, folks.
Richard: That is one pissed off pair of brothers, dude.
Christian Daniels leads the way, inch think steel imprisoning both hands while rounding the corner. He smashes on every door, in a dire search for someone. Although, judging from the rage in his eyes, they probably don't want to be found.
Following in line is Devin Shakur, stitches still in forehead and also probably underneath the dark black dress attire he's sporting. He walks with a slight limp but isn't letting the injury slow him down in any capacity. He drives a steel covered hand into his other hand and roars.
Christian Daniels: HESSIAN! COME HERE, BOY!
Nick (OSV): Uh oh, they are seeking out Hessian.
Devin Shakur: We wanna have a word with your lucky punk ass.
Richard (OSV): I don't think the auto industry can handle these two going toe to toe again.
The Biker throws his elbow into one of the locker rooms and catches Troy Douglas sipping on some water. He grunts and moves on. Douglas shrugs his shoulders while Shakur runs the chain on his hand along the wall.
Devin Shakur: This isn't over, Hessian!
Christian Daniels: WE say when shit's over round here, not you'n yer fuckers!
The Man in Black moves around his brother once he spots the locker room of The Murder Show. His pep increases and with a boot that puts a hole in the door, Shakur announces his intentions. Daniels comes in behind and brings the door off its hinges with a ferocious shoulder block.
Inside, they find a pristine and clean locker room. Usually, if Hessian were here, the room would be a mess, chock full of chicken bones and beard hairs.
Devin Shakur: The hell do you figure that prick is?
Christian Daniels: Prolly hangin' round with dem other assholes he calls friends.
Devin Shakur: Well let's go pay them a visit.
Christian Daniels: Actually, I got'a better idea.
Devin Shakur: What?
Christian Daniels: Let's go pay the bitch a visit, she probably knows where he's at.
Devin Shakur: Sounds like a plan.
Shakur and Daniels stalk down the next corridor and prepare to confront Lisa Tyler.
The time ...
Lisa Tyler: Jay, what can I do for you? How’s the eye?
Jay Phoenix: Not too bad, thanks – another few weeks and it will be back to one hundred percent.
Lisa Tyler: Glad to hear it – no lasting effects from the run in with Gamble or Sage?
Jay Phoenix: No – and I won’t blame the eye on them either; they beat me. They beat me fair and square.
Lisa Tyler: You must be a bit disappointed?
Jay Phoenix: Yeah, a little, but I lost to Clinton Sage after all. It could have been worse …
Lisa Tyler: What – you could have lost to Varga?
Jay Phoenix: No, I could have lost to someone from SCCW.
Lisa Tyler – True enough – but, anyway, I take it that you didn’t come here to talk about the tournament.
Jay Phoenix: No – well, actually, yes. Just not that one. The Jewel in the Crown Tournament.
Lisa Tyler: What about it?
Jay Phoenix: I want in …
Lisa Tyler: Jay, listen …
Jay Phoenix: … no, let me finish – please! I know that my time in PRIME has been hit and miss but you also know that I am good for this. I told you, a couple of months back, that I was in this for the long haul … that I was in PRIME for the long haul.
Lisa Tyler: I know that you did, but …
Jay Phoenix: … and I also know that I may not have done enough to deserve a shot in the JitC, what with the last few losses I have been handed but not being part of GTT means that I can devote myself, one hundred percent, to THIS tournament. So, please, let me a chance in it, a chance to prove that I can be to PRIME what it wanted me to be. Let me prove that it is my time.
Lisa Tyler: I am not sure it is about proving …
Jay Phoenix: Lisa, please – just tell me what I have to do to prove this to YOU then! Seriously, I don’t want anything more than to be the best that I can be – for myself and for PRIME; Jewel in the Crown is my chance …
Lisa Tyler: JAY!
Jay Phoenix: … erm, yes?
Lisa Tyler: If you would take a breath, and let me get a sentence in here, I would be able to tell you that you ARE in the tournament. You always were. In fact your first round match is tonight so I hope that that is your wrestling gear you are carrying and not your laundry.
Jay Phoenix: It is … my gear I mean, not my laundry.
Lisa Tyler: Is there anything else?
Jay Phoenix: No – just thank you. You won’t regret this!
MATCH TWO
Richard: He's the biggest beast in the federation right now. An unstoppable animal.
Nick: I think we need a moratorium on the word animal since Batista came back.
Richard: That guy bores the piss out of me.
Nick: Michael Cole Bingo.
Richard: Amen, brother.
Nick: So out of the competitors remaining, who do you hope we see next?
Richard: Well I was kind of hoping Chainz would face Elise Ares just so we could see the most X-Rated match in PRIME history-
Nick: I'm sure there's a B-level DVD out there for you big guy.
Richard: Better be. Out of those remaining, let's pit Hoyt Williams against The Illustrious Face Eater. Tell me that match doesn't have win written all over it.
Nick: That would probably be one of the more bizarre matches in PRIME history.
Richard: Dude, anything with Facey is bound to be out of this world in awesome, and or the weird.
Nick: I don't know if I am ready to see that match.
Richard: Nobody is my man, nobody is.
Nick: Well I'm being told Vince Howard has the participants and we are ready to go up to him for the announcement.
Camera Switch: Vince Howard standing in the ring with cue card.
Vince Howard: Ladies and Gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and is our second Jewel in the Crown contest.
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Vince Howard: Introducing first, weighing in at 265 pounds and standing 6'4 tall, he hails from Sante Fe, Mexico...DIEGOOOOOOOOOOOO FOSTER!
There is a decent reception for the first round GTT knockout as he makes his way out from the backstage area. Buzz about his name beams throughout the crowd as Diego comes down and slaps hands with a few ringside kids. They might not be aware of who he is, but they aren't about to pass up a free high five. Diego climbs the stairs and steps through the ropes, walking over to his corner and awaiting the arrival of his opponent.
Nick: Diego Foster, one of the most talked about names after the first Round of GTT7-
Richard: You mean, one of the biggest losers.
Nick: Stop with the negativity-
Richard: It's called reality, Nick, try it sometime.
Nick: Diego gave Jason Snow one of the closest matches in his career-
Richard: Close doesn't count except when you take a hot looking girl back to the hotel only to find out that it's a dude. You ALMOST got me.
Nick: ...[facepalm] We're going to need to sign Hulk Hogan to bring us out of this fucking financial slump if you keep mouthing shit like that.
Richard: Made you forget what you were talking about, eh? Ha. Suck that, Diego.
Nick: Diego Foster was offered a chance in the Jewel in the Crown based off his performance against Jason Snow. If Diego lives up to his true potential and Snow is able to hold onto the Universal strap until Culture Shock, we might see them clash one more time.
Richard: I can already put the line at 1/1 on Snow to win that one. It's a lock.
Nick: I don't know. I really think Foster can materialize here in PRIME.
Richard: He might not even make it out of the first round. Let's see who his opponent is.
Vince Howard: Introducing his opponent...Weighing in at 280 pounds and standing six fee three inches tall...He is...CHETTTTTTTTTTT WORTH!
Nick: WHAT?
Richard: OH SNAP!
Nick: CHET WORTH HAS RETURNED FOR JEWEL IN THE CROWN!
Walking out from the back to a king size pop is the one and only Chet Worth. He waves to a few fans but is ready to go for this contest. He walks up the stairs and through the ropes. When his feet hit the ring, the bell rings.
DING! DING! DING!
Diego Foster doesn't appear impressed by the figure of Chet Worth and his place in the PRIME history books, probably because he doesn't look like a particularly imposing athlete. Worth hasn't been heralded for his wrestling prowess in his past few appearances, but that doesn't mean he won't stop trying. Foster and Worth dance around one another and go into a collar and elbow tie up. Foster uses his martial arts leverage and pushes Worth back into the corner, using double underhooks to isolate Worth in the corner and prevent an escape. Foster digs a knee into the midsection and Worth doubles over, heaving. He might have had a few too many donuts in the catering area. Worth shoves forward, looking for some kind of takedown, but Foster has decent enough balance to keep himself vertical and drive another knee into Worth's midsection. Foster reels back and lands a big time elbow to the head. Worth comes out of the corner and receives a stiff kick to the forehead. Worth stumbles further, throwing his arms out in an attempt to save from smacking the canvas. Diego smells the blood and continues to attack, unleashing another kick to the head.
Nick: Foster is taking it to the former Dual Halo winner in a brutal opening display.
Richard: Worth tried to take down the martial arts specialist and ended up further looking like the flat pancake he already is.
Nick: Worth might be a little bit over his head here when it comes to someone like Foster. The only edge might be in experience.
Richard: You can't count something that valuable out, but dude looks like he just got told fast food was off limits and went to every burger joint on the way to the building.
Foster goes for the kill, dropping an elbow to the back of the neck and seeks to get Worth up to a standing position so he can attempt the Diamond Flash and conclude the match, but Worth gets himself tied in the ropes and forces referee Bernie Roberts to pull Foster away. Worth stumbles through the ropes and goes down to the floor, huffing and puffing while Roberts looks through the ropes and asks if he wants to continue. Worth acknowledges he does and Bernie goes back to enforcing the count.
Nick: Worth will need to overcome the odds of a wrestler with a hotbed of confidence to advance into the next round.
Richard: He also might need to get rid of the meat sweats while he's doing that.
Nick: Do you have an iota of respect for anybody? This man used to be your boss.
Richard: He tried to go against the ways of FU and that is something I don't stand for.
Nick: THAT WAS OVER TWO YEARS AGO!
Richard: I don't forgive and I don't forget.
Foster paces around the ring, trying to get by Bernie so he can get out and pummel worth even more, but the former Dual Halo winner is still breathing heavy, doubled over and clutching his gut. Roberts is a little concerned of Worth's ability to re-enter the ring. He's up to five and no attempt has been made to grasp the ropes. Foster jumps back and forth but still has the body of Roberts in between him and another crack at Worth. Foster mouths some words of encouragement, well not really encouragment but you get the idea. Worth turns around, fire burning bright in his eyes and tries to clutch the rope. Roberts is up to eight. Chet punishes his upper body by yanking at the rope for all its worth. Sweat pours down his forehead and the middle of his arms are shaking.
Richard: Wow, this guy makes me feel good about my weight.
But he just can't hold on and falls down in a pool of his own sweat on the ringside canvas. The match is uncomfortably called off once Roberts turns and demands the bell be rung.
DING! DING! DING!
Vince Howard: ...Your winner of the match...DIEGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FOSTER!
Nick: Wow, Diego Foster advances to Round 2 of Jewel in the Crown in perhaps one of the most unflattering ways imaginable.
Richard: Worth forgot the rigorous discipline that goes into maintaining the body of a wrestler.
Nick: I think we might need to get the man some Atenol and an oxygen tank.
Richard: That was supposed to be my line.
Nick: Chet Worth used his backstage pull to get into this tournament with the hopes he would be in shape and ready to go for the match, but apparently he can't even do that.
Richard: Man, they are bringing the oxygen mask down right now.
Nick: I need to send out an apology to Diego Foster. Chet Worth does not represent the talent level of PRIME-
Richard: Well, he represents the talent level of our janitors, but that's about it.
Chet Worth continues to breath heavily while Diego Foster looks disgusted with a raised hand. Roberts and Foster step through the ropes at the same time but head in different directions. Roberts assists the medical personnel in putting Worth's oxygen mask on while Foster goes up the aisle and mutters to himself.
Nick: Your second Jewel in the Crown winner, Diego Foster.
Richard: Could be Match of the Year at the rate we're going tonight, man.
Commercial Break 2
With the punch (probably alcoholic, it's the only way a lot of these guys agreed to attend a company function) flowing and more being brought in through the back room, a lot of the superstars have loosened up and are interacting with one another. More have made their way either from the ring, locker room area, or through the actual party entrance door. Some of the competitors used this day to go over spots and get a little training in.
Hessian is wearing a massive (and when we say massive, dude, we mean MASSIVE) body dress, dreadlocks and holds a boombox in his right palm. He is boasting about being the first purely African individual to become the PRIME Universal Champion. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Hessian has come to the party as Akeem the African Dream. It's been a fantasy of his for quite some time and Halloween is the perfect time to manifest said fantasy.
Hessian: WHASSSSSSSSSSSS GOOD, MAN?
Hessian takes three cups of punch and throws them back like a Champion.
Over in the corner, Jason Snow decided to go a little more casual and dress as...himself. Who else would have the guts to dress as quite possibly the greatest Universal Champion in the history of PRIME?
No, Tony Gamble won't be coming through the door as Jason Snow in a few seconds. He's by the water fountain explaining the schematics of his "Smile For Me" finishing move and how he tapped out Angelo Deville to become a bonafide superstar. Jason Natas, who hasn't been seen or heard from in months, whips out a cap gun and fires it into the air. He draws the attention of absolutely nobody considering his attire.
Jason Natas: GUNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
Yes, he came as Jimmy Bonafide. We're all mortified as well.
Jay Phoenix would have come as singer Rick James, but his flight got canceled due to bad weather, and was subsequently arrested when he asked the inquisitive flight manager what the five fingers said to the face?
We were also told that upon his release from jail, he ruined Jack Murphy's couch and The Bull beat the snot out of him.
Tyler Nelson charms a few of the female technicians with some stories from his younger days when he was the CEO of PRIME. He is wearing shoulder pads and has highlighted his hair so it appears far more black than it actually is. We call this the Vince McMahon look in the costume industry.
Elsewhere, Chainz strolls into the party and doesn't disappoint with his costume.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the Green River Killer himself.
Brandon Youngblood summons one of his mustached lackies to go over and ask Michael Sloan the inevitable question.
Jason Stewart: Do you know who the Green River Killer is?
Michael Sloan looks at the lackey and backhands him across the room.
Emerging through the door next are Kazys Jankauskas who is Iron Man. Get it, because his nickname is Iron Wolf? HA HA HA...
Brandon Youngblood: Kazys, you are blocked.
Youngblood hits a button on a tape recorder in his pocket.
"BLOCKED
BLOCKED"
Brandon Youngblood: You can never come to any PRIME Halloween Party again in that costume. You are blocked.
"BLOCKED
BLOCKED"
Nick Stuart, dressed as Richard Parker, throws back a drink of his own and tries to make a joke at the expense of Troy Douglas.
He can't bring himself to do so and sighs. Worst Halloween Party Ever.
Like A Reeses... But Better
Tyrell Dawkins tips his head back to take a drink of his Mountain Berry Powerade when Marquis Peeples comes walking out of the men's restroom. Marquis wipes his hands on his shirt, smiling at his partner the way he has all evening.
Peeples: Have I told you how great this feels?
Dawkins: Pretty much every ten minutes since the bell rang.
Marquis just nods, his cheeks flushing a bit in embarrassment.
Peeples: It's a pretty damn good feeling, bro.
Tyrell just nods his head as he takes another drink of his Powerade.
Peeples: So, you ready to head out?
The tag team champions stop to look to the right. There, from down the hall comes the sexy sway of female hips. Her tight TapOut shirt stretching over her somewhat large chest and her hip hugging pants doing what they do oh so well. Leticia spots the tag team champions just a tad too late and knows she's ready for a discussion. The Change In Spades sultry knockout uses her seemingly innocent and flirty voice.
Leticia: Hey boys.
The tag team champs are not ready for what is about to happen, I don't think anyone would be.
Peeples: Hey, what's up?
The reply is formal, but the way Marquis grasps on to his title and sticks his free hand into his pocket shows just how uncomfortable he is. It is Tyrell that folds his arms, unaffected by the jezebel attempting to tempt them.
Dawkins: You're that girl running around with Donnelly, right?
The Latin Princess frowns a little, not pleased at the obvious disdain in the voice of Tyrell Dawkins.
Leticia: If by running around you mean both he and Vance are my friends, then yes. Don't get me wrong sweetie but I don't "run around" with just anyone. Nicholas is like a brother to me so don't get that idea.
She stops talking, but can sense that Marquis is staring at her. As soon as she moves her gaze to him from Dawkins, he turns his head and whistles.
Leticia: What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?
Tyrell shakes his head as he glances toward his partner.
Dawkins: To tell you the truth, I wasn't implying anything other than you were the girl that's been coming out to the ring with him... But if the shoe fits.
Peeples: So you're not seeing anyone?
Leticia can't help but smirk.
Leticia: No Mr. Peeples, but if I ever plan on changing my single status I'll let you know.
Mendoza turns back to Dawkins, trying to get a feel for the other half of the Tag Champs. Meanwhile, a feel is what Peeples is almost begging for.
Leticia: I'm surprised you don't remember me that well though. I was the one who interrupted your celebration at the Great American Nightmare and paved the way for Nicky to talk down to you. Meanwhile you have to ask if I'm her. If I was shallow, I'd be insulted.
Dawkins: Well, my intent is not to insult. It's just that... Well, I don't pay too much attention to the eye candy. It's hard enough to keep my attention on your friend when he's babbling about how good he is and how he's God's gift to the PRIME tag team division.
Peeples: The guy is a tad bit egotistical.
Tyrell laughs.
Peeples: Now about this single status... Should I give you my number, or you'll just find me backstage somewhere?
Leticia: Well Nicky is his own man. I agree sometimes he needs a muzzle so he can pay attention, but the man is a very talented athlete. I'm sure the Redeemed and Change In Spades will have an opportunity to showcase themselves in the ring one of these days. It was nice to meet you guys, but I'm due to have my nails done by the extremely talented PRIME Makeup girls. So until next time Mr. Dawkins.
She walks right on by and rubs Peeples' shoulder with her hand.
Leticia: And Mr. Peeples, if I want to see you, you can bet I'll find you.
She walks off down the hall and out of sight of the Champions.
Dawkins: You're an idiot, you know that?
Marquis turns his attention from the Latin Princess, the sway of her hips a siren's song to the newly crowned champion.
Peeples: What?
Dawkins: She's not into you, man. The girl does this for a living. She's gonna be all nice and coy with you right now, then after you drop your guard she's gonna kick you in the balls.
Marquis just shakes his head.
Peeples: You don't know what you're talking about. That girl wanted me to put my chocolate in her peanut butter.
Dawkins: Oh man... Come on, kid, we need to have a little talk.
Finding the Answer
Instead, an unusual amount of viewers elected to turn the television off or switch to other programming. Lisa is losing viewers fast and needs a way to cushion the blow. The remaining four superstars, she hopes, will formulate some form of interest with the audience, although she fears that the anonymity of the matches will further hurt the product. Would it be wise to break the facade of the tournament structure and reveal the matches in hopes of getting viewers to come back and watch?
The thought is quickly interrupted when, through her back office door, two individuals burst through and slam the door behind them. She's taken off guard and even more so when the long arms of Christian Daniels block her from stepping out of the comfort zone of her desk. With a glance of the eyes, Christian instructs Devin to lock the front door so the one man security team can't interrupt the proceedings.
Christian Daniels: How'ya doin tonight, Lisa?
The boss gives The Biker a stern look, although he doesn't appear to notice, or perhaps he doesn't care, what her expression holds.
Christian Daniels: Cuz we're havin'a damn fine night ourselves ain't we Devin?
The Black Plague, sans steel brass knuckles he was sporting earlier, walks around the office with tense arms behind his back.
Devin Shakur: Real five star night, C, ultimate all the way.
Christian Daniels: But ya see, we got ourselves a little problem and since we ain't able to find said solution to problem, we figure who better to ask than you.
Lisa Tyler (deadpan): I'm glad you decided to come to me, Christian.
She grits her teeth and smacks his arm away from the chair rest.
Lisa Tyler: What can I do for you two cancers?
Leaning against the wall and ignoring the sounds of Dametreyus attempting to make his way into the office, The Man in Black responds.
Devin Shakur: We had the Great American Nightmare slated to go a certain way-
Lisa interrupts. She knows the answer to this one.
Lisa Tyler: Snitch me out to the board, make yourself a relevant figure in the company again, and ruin the reputation of a federation you've called home for three years. I'd say you did quite well in that regard.
Devin Shakur: Yeah, I know, we did fantastic when you look at it that way. Although, there was one little nugget of a problem that prevented me from having the best night possible, that unbearable prick Von Kelsig.
Lisa Tyler: I was really sorry to see you lose, Devin. I was-
Lisa extends her arm in a mock enthusiastic manner.
Lisa Tyler: -Really pulling for you to come out on top of that.
Devin Shakur: I'm sure you were, the look on your face after I came back to claim my Golden Ticket clearly indicated that.
Lisa Tyler: You were so close but yet so f-
Christian Daniels arm slams on the desk, bringing The Boss out of her condescending trance.
Christian Daniels: Enough'witha goddamn chit-chat, bitch.
The playfulness of Lisa Tyler just evaporated.
Devin Shakur: We want to know where the hell Von Kelsig is hiding out?
After returning the evil eye of The Biker, BLT acknowledges Shakur.
Lisa Tyler: If you must know, he decided to take the night off because of the injuries you caused him at Great American Nightmare.
The Biker smirks, shifting his arms from across Lisa's chair to across his chest.
Christian Daniels: Y'know, that's some funny shit right there.
Devin Shakur: So scared he doesn't even wanna show his face anymore. Gonna take the high road outta here, eh?
Shakur and Daniels both shake their heads.
Christian Daniels: And ya wanna know what's even funnier?
Devin Shakur: What's that?
Christian Daniels: I think'tha people done tired of hatin Kelsig, they appreciatin' his service'to'tha place now. You hear'tha reaction he got after slammin ya through the canvas?
Devin Shakur: I went deaf before I went unconscious it was so loud.
Christian Daniels: You know what I reckon we outta do?
Lisa Tyler: Get the hell out of my office before I make you the newest members of Sin City Wrestling?
Devin Shakur: Yeah, right.
Christian Daniels: I reckon we need'ta hit'tha ring'n tell these morons just how mucha man their new hero, VK is.
Devin Shakur: Sounds like a plan to me.
Christian turns to Lisa while Devin unlocks the door.
Christian Daniels: No doubt we'll be seein yer ass later.
Lisa Tyler: Only thing you'll be seeing is a pink slip if you ever barge in here like that again.
Christian Daniels: Doubt it.
When Shakur unlocks the door, a mountain of girth runs through the door and almost topples both of them to the ground. Dam doesn't appear too happy that he was left outside for such a long period of time. Christian takes a step and gets in the coolest cat in PRIME's face.
Christian Daniels: As fer you-
Dametreyus Fuqueiawytas: What bout me, boss?
Christian Daniels: If you ever touch me the way you did at Great American Nightmare again...I'ma be drivin yer ass down the street on'tha back of my bike. You dig?
Dametreyus Fuqueiawytas: You ever talk to me like that again, boss, I 'ont know of any dead men who can ride bikes. Ya dig?
Christian and Dam exchange a long glance before stepping to each others sides and going their respective ways.
... is now
Dripping down the surface, in bright red letters, is a simple phrase:
"The time is now!"
Calling His Shot
The familiar and iconic words of Gordon Gekko fill the arena, followed by a chorus of boos as "Karn Evil 9" by Emerson, Lake, and Palmer floods the PA system.
Nick: It was only a matter of time.
Richard: Don’t sound so glum, Stewart. Mr. Nelson and his entourage did us a HUGE favor at Great American Nightmare by sending Chandler Tsonda out on a gurney. We should all be rejoicing and singing his praises on high! PRAISE HOYT FOR MR. NELSON!!
Nick: Have you taken your meds?
Richard: I’m not on any, moron.
Nick: You should be.
The Greediest Player in the Game struts out onto the stage, his trusty bodyguard/human shield Mr. Simmons in tow. He sports an especially big smirk on his face as he stops and extends his arms out to each side. Nelson spins around slowly in a circle, showing off a much higher quality than he had been previously wearing, hand-tailored navy blue suit. Simmons is stoic in the background, his eyes hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses.
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Nelson can’t help but smile as he makes his way to the ring. The crowd does its best to drown his spirits with a verbal barrage that would make some sailors blush, but the King of Greed simply floats to the ring unfazed. He glides up the ring steps and through the ropes, basking in his own glory as he parades around the ring.
Nick: I didn’t think it was possible, but Tyler Nelson is even fuller of himself than before.
Richard: Hell, Nick, I’m full of Tyler Nelson.
Awkward silence.
Richard: Ummm….that didn’t come out right.
Nick: No, it didn’t, but it explains a lot of things.
Richard: Shit.
Nelson produces a mic as Mr. Simmons takes position at the bottom of the ramp.
Tyler: Ladies and gentlemen, if this keeps up you won’t have any hero’s left to cheer for!
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Tyler: I mean, I retired Killean Sirrajin at Colossus, and then at Great American Nightmare I erased the name of Chander Tsonda from the PRIME roster. I’m racking up an impressive body count, if I do say so myself. I’m two for two in putting Hall of Famers out of the business.
Another round of boos flows from the crowd as Nelson looks out at them with his trademark greedy smirk.
Nick: We may need a medic out here to check on Nelson’s arm after he breaks it patting his own back.
Tyler: Now, although putting Chandler Tsonda on the shelf was certainly a highlight of the evening, what was even more special was the immense amount of pressure and scrutiny that Lisa Tyler was put under by Blaine Blair and the Board of Directors. For some reason she failed to believe me when I told her that the Board was unhappy with her miserable job performance, but now she knows that Tyler Nelson only speaks the truth!
Nick: HA! Can we have someone give Nelson a drug test?
Tyler: I’ve given her ample opportunity to relinquish her position and save some semblance of dignity, but now I’m going to just let the chips fall where they may. She’s dug herself a hole that she has no hopes of getting out of. It’s only a matter of time now before she’s gone, and I’m back in charge.
The crowd continues to voice its displeasure with The Greediest Player in the Game, but he seems oblivious to their antics on this night. He gazes out upon the masses, a smile on his face and a twinkle in his eye.
Tyler: So, what to do while I wait for the lame duck to be cooked? My entourage is in full control of this promotion, a force that cannot be reckoned with, and Lisa Tyler has one foot out the door. I’m nearly inclined to just sit back, grab some popcorn, and watch the soap opera unfold.
Nelson leers out at the rabid crowd.
Tyler: But that wouldn’t be very greedy of me, would it?
The King of Greed chuckles to himself as he paces around the ring.
Tyler: So, while I wait for the other shoe to drop on Lisa Tyler’s pathetic management career, I think I’ll cash in on this little banked Universal Title shot I’ve been holding onto.
The crowd boo’s with renewed fervor.
Nick: WHAT?!
Richard: He said he’s going to-
Nick: I heard what he said! Is he using it tonight?
Richard: I bet if you listen to Mr. Nelson, he’ll tell you. Moron.
The Greediest Player in the Game continues, a broad smile still plastered on his face. He might need surgery to remove it.
Tyler: Sorry, Jason. I tried to let you buy a little more time on your championship reign by offering you a spot in my entourage, but your silence on the matter forced my hand. It should have been me facing off against you instead of Kaiser Vashaun, Snow. I don’t know if you were ducking me or if Lisa was holding me back, but now there’s nothing that either of you can do about it.
Nelson pauses for effect.
Tyler: Now, I imagine that you would like to know when your title run will meet its end, Jason, and I’m more than happy to let you know so that you can prepare for life without that Championship belt. It’s not going to be on some Revolution; you and I both know we deserve better than that. It’s actually quite perfect that our next pay-per-view is titled King of Kings, isn’t it? With me being the King of Greed, and you being a King in your own mind. What better place to decide who is the King of the World?
For the first time this evening the smile fades somewhat from Nelson’s face. He stares deep into the camera.
Tyler: You should have joined my group when you had the chance, Jason. It might have prolonged your career. Now, I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that you don’t even make it to King of Kings. We both know I have the firepower at my disposal to do it. So get yourself ready, Jason, because I’m coming for your title.
He flashes the smile once again.
Tyler: It’s the greedy thing to do.
"Karn Evil 9" pumps over the PA system again as Nelson takes his leave of the ring.
Nick: CAN YOU BELIEVE WHAT WE JUST HEARD?! TYLER NELSON JUST CASHED IN HIS BANKED UNIVERSAL TITLE SHOT, AND HE’S USING IT AT KING OF KINGS!!
Richard: Mr. Nelson is unstoppable! WE HAVE A NEW CHAMPION!!
Nick: Umm…the match isn’t for several weeks.
Richard: I’m just getting ready.
MATCH THREE
Richard: Because we'd be doing anything else right now, right?
Nick: Quiet, you.
Vince Howard: Introducing first … from Flagstaff, Arizona, weighing in at 215lbs, standing 5'11", this is the HOTTEST star in wrestling … JAY PHOENIX!!
CROWD: YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
Richard: Goodie, this guy. Woo-hoo.
A haunting guitar melody plays over the PA system as on the VideoTron flames start to appear, curling up to completely cover the blackness of the screen. A drumbeat fills that air as words, sung in a powerful, pure voice can be heard mingling with the melody as a bass driven counter melody joins with an electric guitar to complete the music.
"Day by day, watching you disappear
Wishing that you were still here beside me
On my own, swimming against the tide
There's nobody on my side but your memory"
The flames on the VideoTron die down, leaving the screen completely black again … until suddenly with an explosion of light and noise the flames reappear, this time in the easily distinguishable form of a Phoenix that fills the whole screen.
"Then I'll rise, right before your eyes
On wings that fill the sky
Like a Phoenix rising
Like a Phoenix rising"
The crowd are on their feet, cheering and screaming as the realisation of just who it is hits them. "Wings of fire, tearing into the night Screaming into the light of another day Carry me out of the hurricane Into the smoke and flame and we'll fly away" On either side of the ramp way two bursts of flame leap out, sending two fan shaped flares of fire across the entrance, through which a silhouetted figure walks as on the screen, superimposed on the mystical flame bird symbol, two words appear … JAY PHOENIX..
"And I'll rise, right before their eyes
On wings that fill the sky
Like a Phoenix rising
Like a Phoenix rising
Higher, higher hear the thunder roar from above
Fire, fire, fire make me whole"
Phoenix stands on the ramp way, the flame still bright behind him, as the music still plays. He is dressed in a black leather look body suit, flame motifs running up the side of both legs, meeting at the thigh where they join together to form almost a belt of fire. The arms are cut off at the shoulders exposing muscular biceps, the left one covered with a glistening tattoo of a stylised Phoenix in flight surrounding by bands of gold and red flames. Black and red elbow pads are met by taping that covers his forearms and wrists. A silver necklace hangs around his neck, falling down to his chest, and when the light catches it at the right angle it can be seen to be a disc containing thin interlocking strands, a bright purple amethyst at it's centre … a dreamcatcher.
"And I'll rise, right before their eyes
On wings that fill the sky
Like a Phoenix rising
Like a Phoenix rising
Wings of fire, tearing into the night
And we'll fly away ... "
A smile plays across Phoenix's face as he pans his attention around the arena before slowly walking down towards the ring. When he gets to the ring, Phoenix, with a quick move, jumps to the ring apron and climbs the turnbuckle, holding an arm up to the fans, who resume their cheering in response, before vaulting over the ropes to land in the centre of the ring.
Vince Howard: His opponent...
All I wanna do is...
*GUNSHOTS*
Arena fades to a blue-violet color base with gold lighting highlights.
So Swaggerific S-So Swafferific
So Swaggerific S-So Swaggerific
How can you call it a lifestyle, when you don't live your life in style?
How can you call it a lifestyle, when you don't live your life in style?
As the pounding bass beat of "Swaggerific" by Verbz begins to play over the arena, it's greeted by a choir of jeers. Blue-violet and gold lights move around to the beat as Elise Ares explodes through the curtain making her way out into the arena. Taking a few steps forward with a hop in her step, Elise pauses and looks around at he crowd with a smirk before holding her arms straight and out and motioning her fingers towards herself as if saying "look at me!" She stops moving her fingers and just holds out her arms as if acknowledging the praise before making her way down to the ring.
Except this time, she isn't alone. Making their way down the aisle behind her are the intimidating duo of Chainz and Ares' tag team partner, Kazys Jankauskas.
Nick: Well, this is...
Richard: The most beautiful sight I've ever seen in my life!
Vince Howard: From Miami, Florida by way of Havana Cuba, weighing in at 121 pounds, one-half of the Wolves of Slaughter ... ELISE ARES!!!!
They call me the walkin beauty paegant
Don't need a crowd with my jewelry flashin 10 girls behind me tryin to be like me
Hella fly till I die and there ain't no actin I'm a connoseur and I'd like to help you
The look on your face got ya s*** devalued
How ya gonna rock donatella with a frown?
Girl this ain't a competition
Do you wanna ask the crowd?
Elise Ares starts her swagger down to the ring with a skip. The attitude in her step fumes of arrogance while she heads towards the ring. She wears a black leather bikini-style top with a blue-violet tribal pattern going across it. Several fans reach out to slap five with The Havana Harlot on her way down to the ring, and she pulls away from them... not wanting their grubby little hands to touch her. She wears a black leather bikini bottom along with matching black leather studded chaps, with a blue-violet tribal pattern going up each leg of those matching the top. Reaching the end of the aisle she slides into the ring under the bottom rope and crawls across the canvas for a second on her forearms before somersaulting up to her feet.
I'm the type of girl who can make things rare
If I wear something, it'll sell out everywhere I rock hells bells with my new chanel
You rock fake nails, chanel with two L's I freak black pearls, I freak rose gold
Your pearls turned black when the paint got old
This is non a popularity contest
When God make me he made a new commandment
The Harlot walks over to the corner and pulls herself onto the top rope. Looking over at the crowd she holds out her arms and shakes her hips to the music with a bit of a cocky smirk. Jumping down Elise walks over to the other side of the ring and climbs that turnbuckle. Once again she shakes her hips to the music while waving her fingers towards herself in a "look at me" type motion.
Meanwhile, on the outside of the ring, Kazys and Chainz surround the apron, staring daggers into Jay Phoenix and forcing PRIME's Eternal Flame to pull back to the one unoccupied corner of the ring.
Nick: Well, if this isn't just the biggest set-up I've ever seen.
Richard: Aw, c'mon partner, they're just Elise's cheering section. Her giant, evil cheering section of DOOM!
Nick: Thank you for making my point.
Fly, fly, fly (and he said...)
Thou shalt be fly, fly, fly (til the end...)
Until the day you die, die, die I'm fly, lemme testify
Not a habit, I'm just gifted Lord please keep me swaggerific
Jumping down from the top rope Elise Ares backs into her corner where she jumps in place a few times to stretch for the upcoming match. The lights in the arena return to normal and "Swaggerific" fades into the boos of the crowd. Which Elise interprets in her mind as cheers, and responds with a smile of acknowledgment.
Nick: Here we go, time to move one more wrestling into the second round of the Jewel in the Crown!
Richard: I think we all know who that's going to be.
Nick: Who's that?
Richard: I was hoping you would answer that.
DING! DING! DING!
Nick: And referee Tommy Giles gets this one underway!
Richard: Hey, an official who can get things right! Novel concept, huh?
Ares and Phoenix immediately start dancing around each other, before the Eternal Flame finally instigates a lockup. The pair jostle for position with a series of waistlocks and reversals, before Phoenix flips the Havana Harlot off her feet with a snap mare.
Nick: Beautiful takeover from Phoenix, up comes Ares ... into the arm drag!
Richard: ARRRR-
Nick: Don't even think about starting that.
The Swaggerific One pops up, only to be the recipient of another textbook arm drag from Jay Phoenix. This time, Phoenix holds on, locking up Ares' left arm. That only lasts a second, because Ares rolls free and twists Phoenix to the mat with a headscissors, but Phoenix quickly springs to his feet.
Nick: And we've got a stalemate after some fantastic chain wrestling.
Richard: I don't know what you're talking about. Chainz is on the outside. He's the one looking menacing. Well, one of the ones looking menacing.
Nick: Oy vey. Richard: No talking in your fancy code language!
Nick: Lock up again, Irish whip by Phoenix ... reversed ... Phoenix into the ropes, oh come on! Chainz just drilled Jay Phoenix in the back with a forearm shot.
Richard: What? He slipped.
Giles heads over to accost Chainz, and with the ref distracted, Jankauskas sneaks up from behind and snaps Phoenix's neck over the top rope.
Nick: We're only a few moments in, and this is already absurd.
Richard: You're absurd.
Nick: Phoenix wobbly, and wobbles right into an enziguiri to the back of the head from Elise Ares! She spins right around ... spinning heel kick takes the Eternal Flame down!
Richard: She's got those MAD NINJA SKILLZ~!
With Phoenix down and still a little groggy, Elise gets the chance to show off a little of her signature swagger, placing her boot on Jay's chest and letting out a shout of "QUE TAL ESO?" before switching into her infamous dance routine and punctuating it by spitting onto Phoenix.
Nick: That's just rude.
Richard: Gotta love the saucy ones, Nicholas.
Nick: Ares pulls Phoenix to his feet -- and catches a thrust to the neck for her troubles! Ares let Phoenix recover for too long, and he played possum once she let him to his feet.
Richard: Don't be silly, a phoenix can't be a possum.
Nick: Oh-kay.
Phoenix follows up with a pair of elbows to the side of the head, but when he hits the ropes one more time, Chainz casually trips him and knocks him to the mat face-first.
Nick: Again with this blatant cheating!
Richard: You call it cheating. I call it Jay Phoenix being the world's clumsiest human.
Phoenix pops up and immediately starts shouting at Chainz, but while he's distracted, Ares dropkicks him in the back of the head and sends him over the top rope to the floor, where Chainz and Kazys are all waiting for him. Ares pulls Giles aside for a distraction, giving the two monsters on the outside a chance to rough Phoenix up even more, then pitch him back into the ring.
Nick: This may be the better spot for Jay Phoenix.
Richard: I'm thinking you've got a good point.
Nick: Ares with a cover...
ONE...
TWO...
NO!
Richard: Dang.
Nick: Phoenix is fighting one on four here, but still he kicks out!
Richard: That blows.
Nick: Ares has Phoenix back up, loads up for the superkick -- NO! Phoenix caught the foot ... trips Ares and flips into a jackknife cover!
ONE...
TWO...
NO!
Nick: And Elise Ares barely survives the quick roll-up!
Phoenix grabs Ares and whips her into the corner, then puts her on the top rope. As he starts to hook her for a superplex, however, Chainz pops up on the apron across the ring, forcing Tommy Giles to come and deal with their presence.
Nick: Phoenix looking for the superplex --
Richard: PWNED.
Nick: Kazys Jankauskas just CRUSHED Jay Phoenix with a running boot from the apron! Tommy Giles didn't see it! Phoenix drops off the top ... TOP ROPE SUNSET FLIP BY ARES!
ONE...
TWO...
THREE!!!!!
DING! DING! DING!
Richard: And that's how it gets done kids.
Nick: Elise Ares had PLENTY of help, but she moves on to the next round of the Jewel in the Crown!
Vince Howard: The winner of the match ... ELISE AREEEEEEEESS!!!
Commercial 3
The last arrival at the party.
A loud siren blares through the speakers of the building and everybody at the party looks around with suspicious eyes. Did someone call the cops on them? All they were doing was attempting to have a good time. They didn't go out and kill anyone...Well, everybody but Chainz can claim that with one hundred percent certainty.
The video monitors in the building fade to a back alley way where an upside down shot of Devin Shakur and Christian Daniels in tan trenchcoats with botchalized police identifications is seen. Two trashcans stands to their left.
The most awesome beat in the history of cartoons blasts, a funky and suspensful tune. Shakur and Daniels both place their identification badges into the slots. Two trashcans open up and they shift their eyes around, on the lookout for anybody watching them, before crawling inside.
The scene transfers into what appears to be a sewer, with both men rapidly climbing down the same ladder while the trashcan lids slam shut. Quickly, both men pull out flashlights and start making their way through a tunnel, scanning the light in all directions. Moving forward like army men, Shakur leads the way and maneuvers up and down through the tunnel that coincidentally is able to form fit Christian's body.
After successfully making their way through the tunnel, Christian and Devin race up a set of stairs while the limited vocals kick in.
"DA DA DA DA INSPECTOR EMO..."
Shakur and Daniels pop up through a trap door.
And race through a door that quickly shuts behind them.
And then another one.
"AND BIKER"
Another trap door opens up.
They rush down the stairs.
They come out through a dresser.
Both men frantically run over to a two story safe and place their ears against the base. Shakur fiddles around with the combination and manages to open the door.
Inside sits Chet Worth with a note in hand. Shakur reads it and nods his head while Worth points to the note. Daniels shuts the door and both men run off.
"INSPECTOR EMO"
"AND BIKER"
The bottom portion of the safe explodes, leaving the top portion unharmed. From cameo heaven, Angus the Bluetick Hound sticks his head out and frowns.
Shakur and Daniels leap out the window and turn upside down. No worries, they whip out their Go Go Gadget helicopters from their hats and whirl through the city.
In what has to be the greatest casting ever, Tony Gamble in a red shirt with a white stripe spins around holding a concerned look on his face. He's staring at a book. We know, this is totally genius right?
The Gadget Van transforms into a police car.
"GO EMO GO
DA DA DA DA
GO EMO GO"
Presumably, Devin, floors the accelerator and smoke pours from the back of the car. The vehicle speeds off camera.
Somehow, Devin and Christian rise into the air thanks to their gadget springs. I mean these guys are TALL, dude.
They push a button on their trenchcoats and make themselves inflate. They are bigger than Richard after a triple shot buffet tour.
This time, a concerned Tony Gamble, in the same blonde hair and shirt, turns around staring at his watch. You wouldn't believe the amount of money he's getting paid just to appear in these ridiculous second long shots.
On Gamble...Penny's watch, Angus the Bluetick hound does his best to act concerned. We don't know at what, but we'll guess its something significant.
BUT SUDDENLY, Angus, complete with pimped out headset, gets a swank idea.
He produces four blocks on top of steel rods and simultaneously assists Shakur and Daniels across a thin piece of electrical wire. At the very end, Angus plummets to the ground while Shakur and Daniels rush across the rooftop to rescue the world.
"INSPECTOR EMO
"AND BIKER"
HOO HOO"
What, you should expect this with me doing the commercials.
Shakur and Daniels use their criminal intuition to sneak up behind a big chair stuck in the depths of hell (or an evil office). They spin the chair around and handcuff what they presume to be a giant hand.
It's actually a belligerent Lisa Tyler with a frown on her face, mechanical claw like left hand, and a bomb in her lap.
What love.
The faces of Shakur and Daniels tell the whole story.
Uh oh.
The bomb reaches its explosion point and releases, leaving the scene scattered with a cavalcade of letters.
Shakur and Daniels fall into place as the respective I's.
Begging to be Set Free
That's right, when a man who's almost seven feet tall and almost 350 pounds of muscle announces his hunger, you'd better damn well find some otherwise you might make him angry.
And you wouldn't like Vance Raymes when he's angry.
Nitz: Cool your jets Big Man, PRIME has awesome catering area at all their events. Haven't you seen some of the big bastards past and present that have been here?
Vance: Excuse me for having a healthy appetite. You were the one who passed by 30 different restaurants on the way here. Breakfast was many hours ago.
As they keep walking, they enter the catering area. Platters of all kinds of hot and cold food are set out and you can practically hear Raymes' stomach rumble.
Nitz: I'd recognize a piece of ass like that anywhere!
Vance busies himself loading up a plate of food, not paying much attention to what's won his partners gaze.
Nitz: Cover me while I talk to her.
Raymes turns from his plate, quizzing Donnelly.
Vance: Cover you? What, is something illegal about to go down?
Nitz: It could if I'm caught talking to her.
The Ego points to just outside the catering area to the woman sitting in a chair. One glimpse of her and Vance is ready to abandon his food to hold Nitz back.
Vance: You fuckin' crazy? Chainz will have pieces of you spread around town if he sees you talking to his wife.
Nitz: That's why I'm telling you to stand guard genius. Come on, don't be a pussy. You can take him right?
Vance: And if Hessian's with him?
Nitz: Pray? I dunno dude, man up would ya?
Vance: Great. Just joined PRIME and already I’m going to have to be dealing with a psycho and his big giant.
Nitz walks off through the door and comes to a stop a couple feet behind Tracy Sloan. Vance takes his plate of food and sits in a chair nearby, keeping an eye on both areas for signs of Michael Sloan.
Nitz: Enjoying the show?
Tracy turns her head from the nearby TV and is a tad startled. Not because someone snuck up behind her, but because it's a well understood code backstage that no one talks to Tracy for fear of disembowelment.
Tracy: OH! Wow, hi there.
She nervously fixes her hair as she suddenly recognizes just who it is keeping her company.
Tracy: Nicholas right? I haven't seen you for a long time.
Nitz: Call me Nitz and yeah it's been a while.
Tracy: It’s good to see you, how’ve you been?
The small talk continues as Vance shakes his head. The Tortured Artist stuffs a cocktail shrimp in his mouth and takes a sip of a cola he grabbed from a cooler. A stage hand enters the room and sees Vance, giving him a quick smile. After grabbing a bottle of water, the stage hand approaches Raymes.
Stage Hand: Hey Mr. Raymes. Nice to have you here in PRIME.
Vance accepts a hand shake and goes back to his food, devouring a chicken strip in no time flat.
Vance: Appreciate it.
Stage Hand: I'm Tom. You think I can get a quick autograph? My son was a big fan of yours back when you were in FUSE.
Vance: Sure.
The Tortured Artist takes a pen provided by Tom and quickly signs a program he produced from his back pocket. As he's handing the items back, Tom catches a glimpse of Nitz Donnelly outside the room.
Tom: You think I could get your partners too?
He was too quick for Raymes as he moved towards the door. He stops in mid-stride just as soon as he notices just who The Ego is talking to.
Tom: Is he nuts?! That's Tracy Sl...
Vance: You saw nothing here.
Tom turns in time to have a shadow cast on him by the much larger man. His arms are crossed and his eyes are cold. Tom shies away a little.
Tom: Uhhhh, don't worry man. I'm not sayin' a word to anyone. Chainz least of all. That guy scares the hell outta me. I got a family to go home to.
Vance: Glad you understand me. I'll get you a bunch of signed Spades merchandise next week if you promise to keep your mouth shut about anything you saw here.
Tom: What'd I see?
Vance: Exactly.
Vance loads a pile of food onto his already half full plate as Tom excuses himself from the room. He turns back to say one last thing.
Tom: I'd take my lead and get outta here though. Chainz is usually here to get Tracy by now.
Vance nods as the stage hand vanishes out of sight. Wanting to keep things quiet, he glances over at Nitz still talking to Tracy who is laughing now, flattered by what The Ego is apparently saying to her.
Vance: Boy knows how to cause all kinds of trouble.
He removes his cell from his pocket and calls Donnelly's. Nitz removes his phone from his pocket as soon as he hears it ring. Meanwhile, Vance holds the phone to his ears with his shoulder, taking a small bag from beside the table and putting some food in it, his hunger apparently having no bounds.
Nitz: What is it?
Vance: Don't say anything and don't ask how I know, but if you don't wanna become an entree at the next Sloan family barbeque I would suggest we leave now.
He hangs up the phone, not waiting for Nitz's response. A moment later, Donnelly emerges from the door and makes his way over to The Tortured Artist.
Nitz: Geez man, I was just talkin'.
Vance: Plenty more than you should be doing. I saw you looking her up and down. Any closer and you'd be wearing her clothes with her.
Nitz: Haha, you have no idea how awesome that sounds. Her tits were jiggling so much when she laughed they were almost begging to be set free. They’re so damn big and she’s so damn small. She must be stronger than she looks to take a pounding from Sloan every night.
Donnelly grabs a soda from the cooler on the floor.
Nitz: Could you imagine? That girl would probably kill a man between the sheets.
Vance: It's not her I'm worried about killing someone. Let's go.
Nitz: But I haven't eaten yet.
Vance takes the bag of food and shoves it into his partner’s chest. He then stuffs a dinner roll into The Ego's open mouth and turns.
Vance: There. Now let's go.
Vance quickly moves in the opposite direction. Nitz removes the roll from his mouth after taking a large bite. He begins to follow.
Nitz: Cock block!
At the End of Her Rope
Sitting in her plush leather recliner, she pounds her dainty fist against the armrest and thunderously kicks at the mahogany desk in front of her. The papers atop the desk scatter a few inches and The Boss doesn't care whether or not they are organized.
To start off the evening, some of the producers at fX said content this evening might be a little raunchy and advised her to switch the logo to TV-MA. Lisa knew the ramifications of this, and is still reeling from the stark revelation given at Great American Nightmare. The job as on air figurehead is slipping from her grasp quickly and she knows it. The prophecy of Tyler Nelson has been right all along.
The quality of wrestling on the show hasn't lived up to expectation. The best match of the evening was the first one, and that wasn't exactly up to the code of a ReVolution match. The other two matches were either complete busts, in the case of Chet Worth vs Diego Foster, or suspiciously short in the case of Jay Phoenix vs Elise Ares.
Thank God she requested only ninety minutes of airtime. They will barely hit that mark this evening.
The only upside is that Michael Sloan has been too busy celebrating his winning streak to come around and threaten her with violence or try to butter her up with sexual innuendo.
Although the worst portion of the program is sitting right in front of her, the quarter hour ratings sheet. Usually, coming off a volatile Pay-Per-View such as the Great American Nightmare would indicate far bigger numbers than those on the sheet. The start of Jewel in the Crown was supposed to be a benchmark for PRIME, a signal that the company was still trucking in the face of adversity. Pay-Per-View buyrates were up over 750,000, a definite plus. ReVolution 209 should have continued the hot streak.
Alas, the rating on her desk right now is 2.2 when last year, with Jason Snow and Tyler Rayne leading the way to an epic clash for the Jewel in the Crown, the number was 5.5
She needs ratings quick and knows the last match of the evening has got to deliver or the board will chew her out again. Her psyche can't handle much more of the punishment.
A message comes through on her intercom system and she reluctantly pushes the button.
"Ms. Tyler, Shakur and Daniels are on their way to the ring. Should we allow them through the curtain?"
If there was anybody on the roster who could fire up a crowd and television audience, it was these two. The Black Plague's mouth never holds back and could bring those straggling viewers who are watching other programming back to ReVolution.
With a loud sigh, Tyler replies.
Lisa Tyler: Send them through.
She might end up regretting it and facing even more fines, but the bottom line revolves strictly around ratings.
She had to put her faith in the one man she hated more than Tyler Nelson.
With a flick of her wrist, she turned on the television and watches.
Call Out
Nick: Oh great. I was hoping we weren't going to see this parasite. So damn close.
Richard: You are so shallow, Stuart. Do you think Shakur would miss the chance to gloat about Great American Nightmare?
Nick: From the looks of what happened earlier with Lisa Tyler, I don't know if Shakur is coming out here to gloat.
Richard: He'll find a way to make positive out of the negative she gave to him. What a disrespectful wench.
Nick: OK, Snow, you are trying to tell me that the boss is the one being disrespectful of Shakur when he sought-
Richard: And successfully-
Nick: Brought her before the board because she didn't treat him fairly?
Richard: That is what employees are supposed to do, Richard. Make the environment fair for everybody to thrive in.
Nick: Oh don't give me that crap, Richard. When has Shakur ever been about equal opportunity?
Richard: HIS NICKNAME IS COMMIE EMO, COME ON!
All those who have jam packed the joint rise to their feet in anger after hearing the voice of Rampage Jackson. The announcers have done enough of a job hyping his entrance once the chords of Chris Cornell sink into the building. A pair of eerie brown eyes invade the PRIME*View. Slowly, the same pair of eyes move to every other screen in the building.
GO HOME, EMO! *CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP*
GO HOME, EMO! *CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP*
GO HOME, EMO! *CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP*
The Man in Black has never been the one to listen to anybody else because his entrance package continues to play. The eyes are replaced by his ever unpopular name.
The theatrics have been dropped just a tad this evening. Shakur doesn't hold suspense any longer, forgiong the usual slinging open of the curtain and Ric Flair-esque entrance. Walking out onto the stage with a purpose, Shakur stuffs his hands into his pockets and gives those in the ringside area his Phil Ivey stare. A lot of them, dressed as Hessian since PRIME offered a discount to those stupid enough to don costumes for the show, return the glare and tug at their prop beards, taunting Shakur. He doesn't give them a second stare, continuing forward and making his way to the ringside area.
Nick: Even if Shakur didn't have a great night against Hessian, he took the big man to his limit and forced some of the greatest innovations from his arsenal in order to snatch the victory.
Richard: It might all be in vein if Shakur is still looking for him.
Nick: We have heard reports that Hessian's beard still hasn't grown back to full length. Shakur decided to amp up the intensity before the match by rigging Hessian's pyro to go off and explode in his face.
Richard: Judging by the newfound waves of fandom, I'd say they were justified.
Nick: You've been kissing Hessian's ass for God knows how long and you turn on him just like that?
Richard: I go where the money and power go, Nick. Shakur has all of that right now.
The Black Plague steps through the ropes and takes the house microphone from Vince Howard. The ring announcer sneers at Shakur and steps through the ropes. Christian smacks his Big Red gum and rolls his eyes. Shakur holds the microphone to his mouth and doesn't bother teasing the crowd by allowing them to get their chants in.
GO HOME, EMO! *CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP*
GO HOME, EMO! *CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP*
GO HOME, EMO! *CLAP, CLAP, CLAPCLAPCLAP*
Although, that definitely doesn't stop them from giving him a few rounds of it.
Devin Shakur: You know, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm growing sick with the fact that everybody in that locker room is turning on me, when they DAMN well know they would do the exact same thing if they had any balls.
Nick: This is more to the point than a usual Shakur promo.
Richard: Rip em, baby!
Devin Shakur: I got everybodyyyyyyyyy making me out to look like the bad guy. The only person not giving me shit is Tyler Nelson...Actually, C, I wonder why that is.
Both of them share a faux moment of contemplation.
Devin Shakur: And what is even funnier to me is everybody in the building, all you dumb sons of bitches who came out dressed like Hessian-
Shakur walks over and points at the group in question.
Devin Shakur: Yeah, you little shitbags.
DIE EMO!
Devin Shakur: I'll die when you stop getting manipulated by the system, you bunch of pricks. And-
Shakur turns back around and points into the camera.
Devin Shakur: The same applies to all you miserable hypocrites at home. I turn on some sports programs highlighting the Pay-Per-View and everybody is on Hessian's side. Need I remind each and every one of you that Hessian is a henchmen of Tyler Nelson. He is someone who vowed to assist The Greasiest Player in the Game in destroying the company. Although, now, just because I'm trying to end him, you bunch of bandwagon jumpers leap like your life depends on it over to his massive carriage. Like he'll carry you to some promise land.
Shakur spits at the camera.
Devin Shakur: And now just because he managed to pull out a lucky victory against me-
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Devin Shakur: OH, so you DON'T think it was lucky? You think he dominated me?
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Devin Shakur: That just goes to show how much you idiots actually know. It just goes to show much attention you are actually paying to the product you schill out 100 bucks a pop for to get frontrow tickets so you can breathe the same air I do.
A middle finger to the Hessian cheering section.
Devin Shakur: Ever since Hessian walked back into PRIME, he's been the king of hardcore. He's been the guy who can take everybody's best shot and keep on ticking. No matter the amount of pain going through his body, he can rise up the next day and keep coming. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only other time Hessian has missed a ReVolution because of injury was when Jonathan Rhine dropped a damn gas station on him!
Richard: The Hess Express.
Devin Shakur: Judging by the laws of ouch, I have surmised that enduring a gas station is far more painful than all the agony I put Von Kelsig through at Great American Nightmare. So it would take a pretty healthy dose of pain for Kelsig to cash in one of his vacation ReVolutions. Something tells me he's not doing that. I think there is something more to this...I think Hessian is scared to face me after what he did.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Nick: Oh come on! He can't be serious!
Richard: The man has been a camera whore for PRIME ever since last year, Nick. I think Shakur is onto something.
Devin Shakur: Oh yeah, go ahead and boo, a week ago you would have been cheering for such an accusation. If my name was Jay Phoenix and I said that, you'd be jumping up and down like a bunch of whiny brat kids, clapping your hands like a bunch of seals. You don't think Hessian is running scared? Explain why everybody else in the group is here. The Wolves got humiliated at Great American Nightmare. They showed up. Chainz probably should have gotten fired after the way he handled Brandon Pierce. He still showed up. Tyler Nelson probably lost five pounds jogging at Great American Nightmare. That kind of weight cut hurts. He still showed up. So it's either one of two things.
Shakur holds out his index finger.
Devin Shakur: It's either Hessian is running scared of me, and let's be honest, who wouldn't? He knows he can't come out and face me like a man. He knows he had to get incredibly desperate just to put me down. I mean hell, who uses a friggin ladder in a cell match?
RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Devin Shakur: OR....Or, Von Kelsig doesn't have what he used to anymore. The big bad hardcore giant has lost a step. He can't hang with the intensity of PRIME anymore and is at home sucking his thumb and drenching himself in an ice bath. If you were any kind of man, Kelsig, you would come down that ramp right now and we'd finish what we started at the Pay-Per-View.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Devin Shakur: Oh yeah, if you think I'm done with you and the little group of traitors you run with, think again. It's like I said with that other wannabe alpha male, the war isn't over until I say it is. Next week, I know you have to be here. I don't care what kind of facade Lisa Tyler is trying to pull with the tournament, I got the inside scoop. You HAVE to show up. I know you have a Jewel in the Crown first round contest, and you better believe that I'm going to be right there at ringside watching you the entire time. Once you are done winning, or losing, we're going to settle things the right way. We're gonna settle it with even more violence. We're going to have the Great American Nightmare Part II on ReVolution 210, whether you like it or not, Hess.
Shakur slams the microphone down and hops out of the ring. Daniels slides under the bottom rope and both men make their way up the ramp, eventually through the curtain.
Nick: Well, even if he is the most hated man in the company, Shakur has laid down the gauntlet. He has called out Hessian yet again.
Richard: You know that one is going to be something.
Nick: ReVolution 210, I don't know if that was a formal challenge or whether it was a call to bear arms, but one thing is for sure, both men are going to be in the building next week and fireworks are gonna happen.
Richard: Hessian will be destroyed. Make sure you tune in for that one, kids.
Nick: Coming up in a few moments, we have the Main Event of the evening. The last Jewel in the Crown contest scheduled for tonight.
Richard: Outstanding.
MATCH FOUR
"Reach Out, and Touch Faith!"
Vince Howard: Introducing first…he is a PRIME Hall of Famer hailing from Chicago, Illinois… weighing in at three-hundred thirty pounds… … He is "Your Personal Jesus"…HOYT… WILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAMMMMMMMMSSSSSS!!
The triumphant beat of "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode blasts throughout the arena as the Religious Icon of PRIME bursts into Quicken Loans Arena with a beaming white smile stretched across his epic face. Next to him is the scantily dressed Our Lady of Gaga, wearing a white one piece leather dress with a cape and matching white diva glasses. As the fans boo the only true Son of God, the pair seems almost disinterested in the crowd’s myopic behavior. With both fists taped, Williams saunters to the ring with all his bling bling and his majesty.
Nick: Hoyt’s back in PRIME and has already made an impact in raising the blood pressure of our fans all across the world.
Richard: The day he came back was the single most impactful day in the history of SPORT. He took time from his busy schedule…you know…deciding who got in to Heaven, whether Lovie Smith should be fired or not…and he’s with us back where he belongs.
Nick: As great of an athlete as Hoyt Williams is, I can’t help but look at his actions since his return and feel disgust.
Richard coughs.
Richard: He heard that, you know.
Our Lady of Gaga scampers forward, damn near falling on her face because of the comical length of her heels. She gets on the apron, opening the ropes for the arrival of the single greatest wrestling deity in the history of the world. Hoyt merely stands in the ring, satisfied with himself as he awaits his opponent. Then, Tony Tagliabue’s face flashes on the PRIME*View.
Tony Tagliabue: Ladies and gentlemen, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I have been informed of the identity of the man who is supposed to face Hoyt Williams tonight. He, however, was so shocked when he learned who he was going to face, that he promptly hung himself in hopes to escape his horrible fate. That man, is of course…
Nick: Ivan Stanislav?!
Richard: The Russian Bear went the way of the Berlin Wall. America has prevailed!
Hoyt shrugs his shoulders, not exactly sure how someone who thought so little of him would eventually piss themselves and take the Chris Benoit route of this plane of existence.
Tony Tagliabue: So, now, Hoyt Williams will move on to round two—
The arena lights cut out, save a lone spotlight from the heavens continuing to shine of Hoyt. This goes on for seconds, a murmur going through the crowd as, suddenly, the lights turn on to reveal:
Nick: It’s the Face-Eater!
Richard: That’s Hoyt’s first round opponent?!
IFE: SUCK MY NADS YOU MOTHERSHIT!
DING DING DING
Nick: And this match is underway!
Facey runs forward towards Hoyt Williams, jumping up and jumping on Hoyt’s shoulder, trying to bite his neck and shit. Hoyt is unfazed, and just runs him into the turnbuckle, then slams him into the canvas.
Nick: Crucified and Saved! One! Two!
Then, as if to kick out, the Face Eater explodes, which would destroy Hoyt if he wasn’t, you know, the Son of God. The ghost of Facey begins to float away, but Our Lady of Gaga hands Hoyt one of these:
Hoyt rolls that son of a bitch out and stomps on the end pedal, opening the ghost trap and causing a whirlwind of white and red electricity to shoot out, ensnaring the ghost of the Face Eater and pulling him down.
IFE: FUCK THIS FUCKING FAGGOTRY!
Once the ghost trap snaps shut, Hoyt puts his boot on the top of the trap, demanding the referee count the fall.
Nick: Uh…one? Two. I…uh…three?
DING DING DING
Richard: Oh my lord…this is the greatest match in the history of the world.
Nick: What the hell was all this?
Richard: Who cares?! Hoyt wins!
Nick: Well...Is that the end for tonight?
Richard: I believe it is, my man.
Nick: Well...Wow, Lisa Tyler is going to have a fit.
Richard: All hail GCW, dude.
Nick: Four competitors have gone through to Round 2 of Jewel in the Crown: Chainz, Diego Foster, Elise Ares, and Hoyt Williams. Next week, four more will make their way into Round 2. The only bit of information we know came from Devin Shakur. Hessian will be in the second block.
Richard: Makes you wonder who else is going to be there.
Nick: Whoever it is, the night is sure to be a chaotic one.
Richard: For all of us at PRIME, this is Richard Parker saying good night from Cleveland.
The image of Hoyt Williams with his arm raised closes out the show, but the greater image is the one not shown. If Lisa Tyler was that enraged only moments ago, one can imagine how she's going to be next week.
Credits
Next in Line
Dave
A Ghoulish and Spooky Opening
Chris
Ego vs. Swagger
D and Billy
Jewel in the Crown Introduction EXTRAVAGANZA
Chris
Martin Dirac
Commercial Break 1
Chris
Searching
Chris
The time ...
Jay
Chris
Commercial Break 2
Chris
Like A Reeses... But Better
Fruit-D... Fruity haha, wait...
Finding the Answer
Chris
... is now
Jay
Calling His Shot
Rob
Shinder
Commercial 3
Chris
Begging to be Set Free
D and Mike
At the End of Her Rope
Lisa Tyler
Call Out
Chris
Aaron
Results compiled and archived with Backstage V2.Back
(c) PRIME 2010. All Rights Reserved.