Title: Rape Sells
Featuring: Hoyt Williams
Date: 12/3/2010
Location: The voices in my head.

MY WORDS FROM WORDS FROM GOD...FUCK'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE...RAPE SELLS...SECOND COMINGS AND BOX OFFICE GOLD...ARLO JESUS AND ME...BLUE PILL BLUES...HOYT A MINUTE...WORDS TO DIE BY...ONE WHO FLEW OVER AN ANT COLONY...HANK WILLIAMS WROTE MY LIFE


“I decline to accept the end of man. “
--William Faulkner

It was the first day of the month Jesus H. Christ was born. The cold had finally come to Chicago after a long holdout for more money and more brutal days to whip upon the working faces of the wind whipped slaves of its windy city. I was feeling a bit under the weather, more mental than physical, sorta like a soldier getting over the war or a man whose woman left him. I was heartbroken, broke, and more or less, on the very last shred of hope I had after a biblical battle with pills and 90 proof. After all I’m a Williams, and it’s a family tradition.

My agent offered me a reality show, the lowest form of celebrity, and a clear message that my career has gone the way of the milkmen or mailmen. I took two blue pills, and a bottle of booze, to blow away my boo-hoo’s only to find me talking smack, on smack, man to man with GOD. Heavy shit to digest, I know. How the hell do you think I feel? My mind was blown as a Louisiana trumpet. Could have gone dirty there, but after talking with God again, I’m trying to clean up my ACT.

ACT I: ARLO JESUS AND ME

After speaking with God I called up a few of my old church buddies, and told them all what was going on. We all decided to meet at some pig sty called Alice’s Restaurant just off the highway. It was a mistake as the whole place was filled with trash and a bunch of hippies were cleaning it out. We were pissed so we called the cops and then settled on some diner named Arlo’s. I only mention this because Arlo’s blows and is terrible, and never go there. I’m serious. Fuck Arlo’s.

Anyway, I told them in order to save the world I must deliver a message to the followers. Hoyt’s Witnesses needed to be reassembled in order for me to carry out the God’s will -- as every Great War starts with a ground swell. The problem was as the pills hit the headlines, I hit the pills harder and my eyes became Ray Ban’s and suddenly Joaquin Phoenix was mocking me on Letterman. With that my support disappeared as wrestling wouldn’t have anything to do with me, Hollywood wasn’t calling, and the church went bankrupt.

So now the few followers left were sitting there in Arlo’s with me, believing we could assemble a decent size crowd just from the Facebook page they maintained. Just enough to get things back into gear I thought as I ate my eggs smothered in ketchup. A little press was all I needed, and so a date was set and my words were written; most sent forth from God himself.

I took a few days of pills followed by a few days of sleeping before I arose to meet the masses. We assembled in a private church, just outside of the big city, broadcasting live on the Hoyt’s Witnesses web cam show, “Stink Eye”.

The following is the actual speech.


“Redemption is more than a Bob Marley song. Redemption is told in story, after story, in book after book in the holy bible. If not for redemption God wouldn’t allow anybody into heaven as we are all imperfect beasts. Sin is a word created by man yet understood universally. It exists. It’s as natural as a smile, and as human as the quality of humanity. If you believe compassion, exists then so does sin. If you believe love exists, then so does sin. If you believe spirituality exists, then so does sin. But sinners beware of the dangers and the differences between moral sin and man’s definition of sin. Two very different demons.

I, like you. I, like Mother Theresa. I, like President Obama. I, like Jesus Christ before me -- am a sinner. Do you really think Jesus turned all that water into wine at a wedding party and didn’t drink any himself? He got so drunk they had to remove a whole book from the bible that was justabout that night. God it’s true, ask him one day the book of Jasper. I am a dirty rotten sinner too. But thank God, GOD believes in redemption. God understands the freedoms of man, create the excess of sin. He still loves me. As his son. Just as he loves you all his non-blood children.

I ask you to act as God himself and find away to forgive me redemption of my mortal addictions. I ask you to look past my imperfection, and to hear the truth of my words. God’s words.

The world is spinning madly out of control and nobody has the ability to do anything about. We are dust mites dancing flamboyantly on a bullet shot out of a comic gun with the intent to kill. It may seem like forever to us, as time is simply a measurement, only relative to those who use it, but in reality our trip is far faster then we can ever comprehend. Ten minutes to the house fly whose life span is short, is not the same as ten minutes to us who strive for 77 years searching out what? Is our life any different then that fly that seems to be searching out something it doesn’t fully understand? Our rock is no different than any other space object thrown with force and sent into space�"submitted, to follow the laws of the universe. It will fall, it will cease motion, and it will die.

Brothers and sisters we are all suicide bombers in some unknown destiny, tangoing to an unknown tune played by an unknown deity. We’re pawns in a universal chess game of black and white, good and evil, kings and queens, reality stars and the reality of it all. We do our best to live while chipping away at the earth and all its resources consuming as much as we can to survive, while leaving behind garbage for somebody else to clean. The devil is the system as it is wasteful, corrupt, and limiting �" yet everyday men and women who assume they are of strong moral ilk continue in their journeys to ‘provide’ for their families working to pay for the television cable to watch such outstanding programming as the Jersey Shore, Steve Wilkos, and ReVolution . We work for the devil in order to obtain his toys. Tisk tisk.

So once again God himself has called upon me in all my majesty to bring forth a message of change. A change. Change is talked about often in politics but how often have we watched in anger as the other side pulls a victory out or changes a policy? Often never. We are consumed with two sides of the devils army putting on the greatest show on earth. Well I’m here to shut it down by an Edict of GOD HIMSELF.

After mastering the world of professional wrestling; being its greatest entertainer in the history of its sport. After maintaining a legendary family legacy of both music and sport, and tackling Hollywood; I retired wealthy, young and powerful. Not to mention handsome, well endowed, and the second coming of Christ. With that privilege, I’ve had the luxury of traveling the world and seeing first hand just how vile it’s all become. From the filth of New Jersey and the insignificance of Rhode Island to the swindlers of Nashville, the Hillbillies of Kentucky, through the waste of wasted lands of Arizona to, “the end of the worlds sadness of San Francisco” to quote Kerouac. The world is insignificant beyond God’s one nation under GOD so I’ll stop there.

You see our country has fallen a bit off the beaten path. We have in all our infinite wisdom slaughtered and slandered our spiritual leadership to the point they have become pedophile jokes. Think about that for a minute. If you wanted to keep the world away from something or destroy a concept of it you would paint them as the vilest thing, a symbol of danger. What is that in our society? The devil is tricky my brothers and sisters, real tricky. Everything you think or know is as wrong as the concept of what you believe is right.

I would detail my conversation with God last night to you word for word but the very concepts of his verbiage would confuse you to the point of your own self destruction. So forgive me for giving you the Cliff Notes. What was said in the voice of Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones speaking in perfect harmony to me in the lord’s hours of the horizon was that unless I step up and return to the forefront of the people, the persecuted will be eliminated and Satan will have full control of Earth.


God called upon me
So came the white of winter
In the heat of hell

What is also universal is the thought that everything dead is born again. Not always the same, not always aware of its past nor any clearer in knowledge to its purpose �" but yet born again. Always confused but always knowing of survival. The war is here. The time is now. The re-birth is now. Christ shall return and so shall I.

What has been bestowed upon me is the knowledge that in the wrestling world lays Satan himself. God very specifically and clearly told me that I will face the devil in the final match of the Jewel in the Crown tournament. It’s true, ask him. The history of the tournament itself revolves around me. Everybody know I was the king of kings so PRIME came up with this concept to name the jewel in my crown of crowns as a tribute to me.

My witnesses, I do have to say it is very humbling to have to enter such a low level tournament for me the reigning GOD’S champion. A title I still remain undefeated holding. I’ve held the Universal Title and let me tell you, it means LITTLE to me, compared to GOD’S TITLE which I am wearing around my waist today as a symbol to all EVIL dwellers that I’m back and everybody can shout from the mountains that wrestling is SAVED.

I told God I should just be booked in a match with this devil, but God assured ME the only way to snuff this satanic sinner out, was to win the God damn tournament. He told me the dopes in PRIME’S booking committee wouldn’t just put me in match with Satan. I told God he was nuts. He told me to call PRIME and ask them. So I did. They told me I was crazy and had no idea who the devil was and wanted to know if I was back on drugs. I gave them my speech on redemption and maybe they bought it orrrrrr they just wanted to get me off the phone but anyway they let me enter the Jewel in the Crown tournament. Hot damn God was right.

He always is my sinners. So with that I’m in, and being a man of the word, allow me to keep talking. There is a lot riding on this; as I told you this is real life war my friends and neighbors. IF and only IF I make this final match, Jesus himself will return as my manger.

Go call it upon the mountain!! The second coming of the first part of Christ, shall return as advertised for years in the BEST SELLING Holy Bible!!! That’s right IF I WIN the biggest promise of the bestselling book in the history of print shall be fulfilled live on PAY PER VIEW!!!!

America I’m speaking to you right now. Who wouldn’t want to see the second coming of Christ? I mean even if it sucks, it still will be better than the ending of the Sopranos, and remember how excited everybody was about that? Come on let’s have a little fun here; the worst that can happen is hell so I say hell yea! Seriously though Jesus is my new manager and trust me when I say, getting hit in the head with the word of the lord delivered by Christ himself…Holy Shit!

So watch Revolution for the revelation of the revised re-rising of the Pontiff of Prime…. The king of kings…the Pope of Professional Wrestling…The Father of the Fight…The Saint of The Squared Circle…The Buddha of the Backdrop…the Allah of the Arena…The Son of Man…The Second Coming of Christ…The Most Worshipful Wrestler, Moses on a Mic, Hey Jude It’s Hoyt!, Brother of all Brothers from all Mothers, the Baby of the Deity, GOD’s CHAMPION…..YOUR PERSONAL JESUS….HOYT…WILLIAMS.

SO mote it be.”

I maybe a pill popping prophet of the lord but brother, but I’m back.

Biblical…Bitter..Badder

_=H=_=W=_


ACT II: JESUS HATES SUSHI
View Hoyt Williams's Biography
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