Title: Lies That Devin Shakur Told Me
Featuring: Devin Shakur
Date: Whenever you want it to be... Girl
Location: Chuy's Place

Devin Shakur sits on a black stool in front of a green screen.

A makeup woman dabs at his face while another fixes up the microphone against the front of his shirt. He looks over at Christian Daniels with a grin on his face.

Devin: Wow, this is a bad idea.

Christian: I'n thinka worse.

Devin: Such as?

Christian: Imagine'f we try get good'n'loaded fer'a match.

Devin: Fair point. That would be a hassle whereas this is simple.

The two women step away from Devin. He looks directly into the camera and gets the 'Go' signal from the director.

Devin: Hello, I'm Devin Shakur, the on-screen boss of wrestling's hottest company, PRIME. In my four plus years of being in the business, I've said some rather outrageous and egregious remarks in an attempt to put myself over in the eyes of the audience as the most notorious asshole. to ever grace a wrestling ring.

However, these exaggerations aren't limited to the squared circle. Plenty of people have come and gone in the industry since my arrival and at one point or another a lot of them have had the privilege of being in my company. Being the consummate ribber that I am, I've told them several outlandish tales of how to get over or what to do in order to be buddy-buddy with fellow wrestlers since I have a good relationship with most of the locker room.

Most of these... were complete lies.

[Canned studio laughter along with the awkward high-pitched laugh of a lone black woman named Loni Love]

In fact, what you hear tonight will feature just some of the BS I've told certain folks over the years. Ladies and Gentlemen, it is my distinct privilege to introduce the television short... Lies that Devin Shakur Told Me.

Chapter One: Tony Gamble

Dev told me the camera added ten inches. I believed him for an entire year.

Chapter Two: Dusk

We came in at about the same time and he seemed to be getting more of a reaction, probably because he was involved in the whole anti-AWC deal! I decided to partner up with Garbage Bag Johnny in hopes of gaining a true friend, because let's face it, someone with such an ego complex like myself isn't going to get many friends! Plus, my legs are so powerful if I accidentally touch someone with the bottom of my shoe, I send them flying one hundred feet across the room!

Or at least I believe so. Dev and Tyler Rayne both convinced me of that! Anyway, I was looking for a way to get more of a crowd reaction, get some more eyes on me because any publicity is good publicity! I remember him telling me he was a business major and had done a ton of on camera stuff prior to entering PRIME so I trusted his opinion!

So I went to him after 116 and asked for his thoughts! He told me that I wasn't giving enough in my facial expressions, that I was just another face in the crowd and that I ought to stand out more! I needed to stand out more! We reviewed the segments and after a thorough dissection, he gave me five words of advice!

You need to try harder!

A few tears stream down Dusk's face! One of them streams past his cheek, down his chin, and reaches the floor! It causes the concrete to crack and a large single line to go halfway down the hallway! Another tear drops in the exact same spot, causing the floor to break apart!

Shakur: Yes, it's true, Dusk cries tears of groundbreaking acid.

Chapter Three: Richard Parker

I felt my commentary was pretty drab at the time. I mean, I know that I'm supposed to be the color guy and give people someone to hate, but I just wasn't feeling it. Dev's vocabulary at the time was like that of a young Angelo Deville so I went to him one night before the show. He and I were going down the run sheet and came across this kid called Bryan Dawkins making his debut. Dev heard from someone he was from Hawaii.

He told me that once Dawkins got established, since it was rumored he was going to be fast-tracked, to claim he was foreign and that Hawaii wasn't part of the United States. We both thought it was pretty funny so I decided to run with it.

It caught on like hot fire and the producers were telling me to go to the moon with it. Every time Dawk came out, I put it on heavy and hard.

I'm an American citizen, born and bred in the US, and I dropped out of school at fifteen to take care of my two kids, plus I never paid attention in school to begin with since I was either eating crayons, sniffing glue, or smoking weed. You can figure out the grades I was doing each in. After having the kids, I never went back since I was doing menial jobs so my geography wasn't great. I took one look at the US map and Hawaii was just an island sitting there, so I legit believed it despite Nick telling me the opposite each week.

Wasn't until I was in the process of completing my GED that I realized Hawaii was INDEED part of the United States.

Fuck you, Devin Shakur.

Chapter Four: Tony Gamble

When we were doing segments that didn't show me from the waist down, he told me to walk around in six-inch pumps. I was like, dude no way, but he was like dude nobody is gonna see it.

Did it for six months. SIX MONTHS BEFORE I REALIZED HE WAS JUST RIBBING ME!

Now when my wife and I have a night of roleplaying...

Chapter Five: Jimmy Bonafide

Graduating from the University of Harvard summa cum larde, and auscultating future endeavors, I was enthralled, and some would argue overzealous, to hear I received a call from PRIME inquiring of my services.

After two interviews, I put my John Hancock on a concordat with myself and the organization. My "gimmick" as wrestling vernacular explained would be coming off as pompous, self-righteous and flaunting my extensive education upon the beings of others.

Once ten minutes expired with Devin Shakur, he convinced me that a gimmick consisting of a thug would gain more of a connection with each audience we saw. He even gave me a behind-the-scenes catchphrase...

GUNZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

Chapter Six: Tony Gamble

When we were doing a west coast tour and one time Nova, Silver, Dev, and I went out into the desert and he bet everybody a grand that I could walk under a snake with a top hat on.

It was funny until I was actually able to do it. Fucker didn't give me a cut of the cheese. Nova did cut the cheese on the ride back though.

Chapter Seven: Beef (of Mega Job)

Beef: Devin Shakur once told me that I would become a mighty warrior that could defeat his opponents with a volleyball. I believed him until the volleyball I threw hit Hessian in the head, and he proceeded to throw me to the ground LIKE a volleyball in response.

Chapter Eight: Chainz

So one night I'm pretty hammered but still getting my swell on at the gym. Pressing 800 like it's nothing because, well, come on, check out the swole on me.

Anyway, Dev is there spotting me because dude is pretty swole himself. He gave me a thing of Gatorade and I couldn't press anymore after that. I was like dude what the...

Next thing I knew I woke up and I was on a movie set with a naked guy standing there next to me, dick hard as a rock, and he told me, man that was fun. You were really great to work with.

Was pissed at him for like a month until I saw the 'Exclusive Footage' of him setting it up at my birthday celebration. That little prick.

Chapter Nine: Matt Mills

One night when we were in Las Vegas on a binge, I was stuck with Jason Snow, Devin Shakur, and Christian Daniels as my road buddies. I didn't have an idea in hell as to why they wanted me to come along, but I figured... Wow, I'm sitting in the car with three of the hottest heels in the world so I could use the experience to kind of get inside their heads.

The whole time they were talking about poker, poker, poker. Daniels talking about the way he cheated back in the home games when Dev was just a kid. Dev talking about how he was whooping up online with the screen name EmoWonder and Snow talking about how they needed to get more involved in the live experience.

Dev, in the driver's seat, casually looked back and said I should also. I was flabbergasted, never thought that I would be able to hang even at the low-level tables. He told me that it was going to be a tourist weekend and not a lot of the top pros were going to be there. I saw him elbow Snow, but I couldn't make the connection at the time.

Snow then went on this spiel and was agreeing with everything he said, encouraging me to play a game called pot-limit Omaha. I never heard of it, but he told me not to worry about it because nobody else there would be able to keep up, again keeping with the whole "tourist weekend" deal. They even said they would go and help me scout the table.

So we get inside the hotel and they get their suites while I get a regular room, figuring that they'll upgrade me. I get all the money I have and get it in chip form and we scout the biggest PLO game we can find. There's a very good looking bald guy, a black guy with crackhead eyes, a fat French looking guy, a normal looking college frat boy, a kid I was convinced had to be gay, and another bald guy who looked drunk off his ass.

We studied the game for about ten minutes before they sent me over there with a lot of money, all of my savings. I was convinced that I was going to milk these guys for all they were worth. Devin pointed out all the physical tells they gave off.

Little did I know I was sitting with Patrik Antonius, Tom Dwan, Phil Ivey, David Benyamine, Phil Galfond, and Ziigmund, six of the best pot limit Omaha players in the world.

The one other thing Dev told me before I left... they used two cards off the board and three from your hand... I only realized it was the OTHER way around after the first hand was over and all my money was GONE.

This turned me into a gambling addict.

Chapter Ten: Dusk

He told me that if I wanted to get the attention of Lindsay Troy, I should stand outside her bedroom window and pretend like I wasn't there! That she was turned on by someone watching her!

He also told me that if I got arrested not to worry about it, she was playing hard to get and that meant she wanted me to come back and do it again!

Fifteen times later and a criminal rap sheet five pages long, I stopped!

[Dusk kicks the ground so hard he breaks all layers of Earth to the core.]

Chapter Eleven: Sun Tzu

One time he told me my Beijing Badonkadonk didn't look fat in those jeans.

I kicked him in the balls and made him sleep on the couch for three weeks, kneeing him in the balls every time I got up to get a glass of water.

Chapter Twelve: Elise Ares

You would never believe the things that... that... mongrel told me. He told me that I was annoying and my voice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. He even said that if he ever had to spend more than five minutes in the same room as me, that he would set himself on fire and jump out of a window. Everyone adores me and I have the voice of an angel. He's just pathological, there's no way around it.

Chapter Thirteen: Skylar Montgomery

1 //45 PhULL'/ pR3P4R3D 70 (0//3 1||, //0R|< |-|4RD, 4||D 91/3 110% 70 7|-|3 (0//P4||'/ PhR0// d4'/ 1. $|-|4|
Shakur: Here's an English translation since I could only get him to speak in 1337.

I was fully prepared to come in, work hard, and give 110% to the company from day 1. Shakur comes over and tells me on my first day that I'm going to get hotshotted and that i should act like a megastar, disregard the advice of everybody else, and turn into a megalomaniac. He even told me i should blatantly go against authority because it was what everybody wanted to see.

Chapter Fourteen: Hessian

For two months, I received anonymous love letters. Actually, calling them love letters would be incorrect considering they constituted sexually graphic details of what this woman wanted to do if she ever met me. It was the kind of shocking stuff even Sloan couldn't come up with in his darkest fantasy. One of the letters had a line about running her tongue up and down my beard.

At first, it freaked me out because I'm not the kind of bloke to respond to fan mail. It wasn't until I received a picture that I became more interested in her. She was gorgeous: 5'6, 125, a figure to die for and some tig ole bitties. She then somehow acquired my number and the voice was pretty sexy, I'm not gonna lie. We agreed to meet up on the recent international tour in Beijing because she was doing business there. I even arranged a VIP pass.

When I asked Marcus, a security guy, if the pass had been taken, he said yeah and Shakur told him to tell me someone was in my locker room. I was all prepared to get my cock wet before going out there and wrecking shit.

I get in there and it's Devin and Christian doubled over laughing. Turns out the picture was from an Australian model magazine and the voice was Devin's, one of his hidden talents. I would have killed the fucker if Christian wasn't there to pull me off him.

Chapter Fifteen: El Janito (of Mega Job)

El Janito: "Devin Shakur once told me that all Mexicans went to hell, where nothing but Ke$ha songs played for eternity. I now live in fear of the day one of Beef's insane schemes goes horribly wrong and I die from it, because if I heard "Tik Tok" one more time, I'd kill mysel-- DAMMIT!"

Chapter Sixteen: Elvis Nixon

Devin told me to go to a nude beach during Spring Break because that'd be a great way to pick up women. Well, I'm a very hairy man all over, but he insisted because that's how Tyler Rayne used to get girls back in the day. He was even kind enough to give me the directions.

They vacated it because they thought they saw Sasquatch.

I also got arrested because it wasn't a nude beach.

Chapter Seventeen: Tony Gamble

He told me I shouldn't do laundry because if any of the detergent or fabric softener got on me that I would shrink. As a result, I would become too small for my britches.

I got kicked out of the company twice because people refused to work with me.

Chapter Eighteen: Cozen

So there was this one time that we were backstage before our match and Devin told me, he said that if I went and looked under the stage I would find out where they stored all the rockets and that would be cool, but I went down there and there was just some smelly guy who was trying to get out of the rain. And he offered me a rocket, but I really doubt that's what the exhaust is supposed to be like, am I right or am I right, ladies?

Still, I suppose the fact that he kicked off Lindsay's face made up for it, but not the time that he told me that Christian Daniels wanted to play hide and seek, but I had to dress likeā€"[video cuts].

Chapter Nineteen: Steve (AKA: God)

"DINOSAURS."

Chapter Twenty: Tony Gamble

Early in my career when I was Main Eventing every night and Dev was my road buddy, I told him that I couldn't push any buttons in the elevator above nine. He understood and was always courteous, pushing them for me since we usually rocked the top floor suites.

Culture Shock 2007, he decides to pull his first prank by getting in the elevator and acting all casual. Our rooms were on the 10th floor. He pushed every button from 1-9 but not 10 and hauled it. I spent an hour trying to jump up and push that friggin button.

I was so tired that I lost to Nova the next day. THAT'S THE ONLY REASON HE BEAT ME!

The End

Devin sits in his stool, chuckling.

Devin Shakur: Well I hope you enjoyed this television short and tune in for more PRIME adventures. No doubt I'll have to make a sequel to this at some point.
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